Hey,

What you need to do is realise that he probably wasn’t as naive as he’s claiming to be to the fact that you thought you were more than “friends”. The facts are he is extremely comfortable with the situation he has with you. He said he “loved you”, had sex with you, you confronted him, he said “I thought we were just friends”, you made it clear that that’s not how you felt but continued to sleep with him. Out of all of this what incentive does he have to change the way things are set up, when all he has to do is say “I miss you” to get back with you? (Don’t get me wrong he’s clearly a waste man) but what I’m trying to make you see is that YOU are the one that needs to lock him off because he has no incentive to lock you off. He is NOT your “friend”, because friends don’t play each other especially when they’re aware that the other person is NOT on the same page and wants more, a real friend would fall back because they care about your feelings and your friendship matters more. So the only way you can change this is to cut him off completely. Block him on everything and go cold turkey. You are aware that he is sleeping with other girls and I’m sure you don’t want him to bring you an STD and yes it can happen to any one of us, so keep that at the back of your mind when thoughts of unblocking him cross your mind. Block/unfollow/mute all those that interact with him so you don’t have to see anything to do with him and throw yourself into the things you love to do, distract yourself with good friends, gym, things you’re talented at.  Finally, you’re not alone, we all have had these moments when we’re stuck on a guy that isn’t serious and the friendly crappy guys are the hardest to shake off. Just learn from it and stop blocking yourself from true happiness, when you let go of rubbish situations your skin begins to glow, I mean look at Ciara girl haha.

Best of luck.

-Ebi. A

Hey sorry to hear that. We’ll see to it that this is posted, but I think it’s important to let you know that so many similar asks come up and it’s not for certain that she happens to read this one. She may see that initial, question it for a second, then dismiss it, after all she didn’t exactly leave him so she may think he couldn’t possibly do such to her. So if maintaining your privacy is the issue, you can call into the clinic where you got tested and received your results and get them to contact her on your behalf. It is so important that you do that because you can’t count on her partner to tell her and there are many potential long term effects if this goes unnoticed. Get well soon x

-Ebi. A

Hey lovely,

Firstly I want to let you know my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and I just want to let you know that you’re strong for writing in. You are right. You are precious and deserve so much more. You have more power than you think you do. Sometimes in life we lose sight of how truly precious we are. Sometimes we lose ourselves entirely and allow everyone else to label us to the point that we internalise all the negativity around us and sometimes that leads us to tolerate things we know we shouldn’t. Quite frankly you are with a man who doesn’t love you, you are with a man who has broken your trust many times and continues to break you. You’re with a man who doesn’t even respect himself so has no idea how to respect you. The fact that he has been in a position to contract an STD three times outside of your relationship shows the extent to which he doesn’t even value his own life and the dangerous thing about being with someone who doesn’t even value their life is that there’s no limit to what they can do to you. The fact is he could have given you HIV, that’s how little worth he has for you or himself. However, there’s something beautiful about the fact that you’re finally able to realise that this is not how your life should be.

So as for practical things to do: 

1. Facts are he won’t let you leave without putting up a fight. So you will need to contact the police if you feel like you’re in immediate danger (999). 
2. Notify your trusted family members/friends immediately and tell them exactly what is going on and the fact that you need their help. Do not withhold information out of embarrassment/shame/for the fact that you think they will attack him (if the last is your worry, you can always call the police to calm the situation down)
3. Call 0808 2000 247  which is the number for the National Domestic Violence Helpline to discuss your options once you’re in a safe environment. Here’s the website. http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk  
4. Cut of all contact with him and his friends (block him on every social media platform/change your number if you can, check that if you have an iPhone you don’t have any tracking apps that can help him locate exactly where you are) and if you feel as though he is aware of where exactly you’re staying, notify your family and the police.
5. Tell your family and friends to not at any point answer any of his calls and communicate with him no matter how “sorry” he claims to be.  
6. If you’re religious don’t be afraid to seek refuge amongst a religious community you’re comfortable with. They also offer counselling services.  

Lastly, I’ll keep you in my prayers. This is only a season, soon this situation will be behind you. Healing is possible. New found true love is possible. Just never allow anyone to tell you any of these things are out of your reach. Eventually as time passes by you’ll begin to love and find yourself again. For as long as you are not in this situation anymore, don’t be afraid to take your time. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but it gets better, step by step. Just don’t look back and when you find yourself looking back (sometimes it happens, don’t kick yourself when it does) but make sure you tell your friends and family and they’ll help stop you when you feel you’re not strong enough to stop yourself and help encourage you.

Please do write in again if you need anymore advice, rather that than you going through this silently.

Lots of love,

-Ebi A

Hey,

Don’t you ever look at yourself that way. You are not tainted, you are precious. If you get “tainted” vibes from him then I’d say you shouldn’t be sleeping with him. You shouldn’t be sleeping with anyone who makes you feel like you’re less after you’ve slept with them. I also think if this is just the way you view yourself every time you have sex then maybe you shouldn’t be sleeping with anyone? I feel as though when people have sex with such toxic mindsets it does nothing but breed insecurity. So definitely work on how you see yourself. As for whether or not you have put him off, every guy has a different view on these things and there’s really not point obsessing over his view. What you need to do is to quit worrying and see where things go with him. If he leaves you after this then that’s on him, you’ll find and deserve better.

-Ebi. A

Heyyyy,

Here’s the thing, depending on how much time you spent with her beforehand you might be overreacting or you might have every reason to be frustrated. The thing is she’s at uni so naturally the dynamics of your friendship will change and you will have to adjust. Things won’t be the same. It’s easier to be around people at uni 24/7 because everyone lives near each other and everyone is forced to see each other all the time. But those friends that are not there, you may find yourself not seeing each other as often naturally. When you get to uni those you’re used to having daily hour long conversations with end up being people that you call a couple times a month and sometimes people are just not as organised so with uni work and everything else it’s very easy to get lost in the sauce. So what I would say is try and work out where it’s coming from, ask her why uni has made her distant? If you’re that close you should be able to discuss these things,  after all your feelings are valid, but approach is everything, don’t come with anger just approach her out of concern for your friendship and discuss how you’re gonna move on from there. It could also be time for you to also make other friends just like she is doing, sometimes that’s why we end up having certain expectations from particular friendships because we don’t have many other close friends we can trust.  Hope this helped.

-Ebi- A