Hey,

If it’s out of spite don’t message her she has feelings and she hasn’t done anything to you. As a rule of thumb I always say you wait until you’re in a better place to contact the girl (if you feel it’s necessary eg. unprotected sex, you’re not the only one, you think her health is in danger or she is) this is to ensure that there’s no level of bitterness in your approach. The reason why I say this is because girlfriends don’t always react in the way you hope they will, especially girlfriends who know their boyfriends ain’t shit. She can hear everything you say and be like “and so?” and happily continue with her situation. More often than not, if you were hoping for some sort of solidarity, which is what girls sometimes look for especially if they feel burnt or hurt, that dismissive response can really feel like shit. So prioritise yourself, move on from this situation (assuming you know better than to stay in a situation with someone who can’t even be transparent with you even if it is a casual relationship) and find someone you’re on the same page with who will not drag you into a potentially messy situation as a result of their selfishness. If you find yourself in a better space then do what you feel you need to do but when you get to that space, who knows you might even feel it’s long and think that energy is better off spent working on your new relationship or your own happiness and who knows she may even contact you.

-Ebi. A

Hey,

From what you have said it sounds like you’ve checked out of this relationship but you’re keeping up appearances. 8 years is a long time yes and you do have kids together but that is not reason to tolerate something you feel you can’t look past. I say you have some alone time, away from the mess, sit down and put everyone else’s feelings to the side and think about what you want, put it down on paper (I don’t know what it is about writing things down but it really works, you see everything for what it is, more clarity). You have a child together and understandably you’ll do your best to consider what is best for your child, but consider the fact that children pick up on their environment which means it’s very important to not deceive yourself into thinking that you’re making the best decision for the child when in reality it may not be. Your happiness is key and your happiness is also key to your child’s happiness. Also healthy co-parenting is possible. A healthy love life post your boyfriend of 8 years is also possible. So weigh out your options then go to your boyfriend with your decision (seen as you have a child together) and go from there, do not force yourself to feel anything you don’t feel or do anything you don’t want to do, you’ll just end up resenting him. Lastly do not internalise what has been done to you. This is everything to do with him and it is not a reflection of you in any way.

-Ebi. A

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For a long while I used to be of the train of thought that there’s no need to contact the other girl and whilst the other girl doesn’t owe you anything, sometimes it can be progressive, especially if you for one reason or another have been given reason not to trust your partner (although that is often a sign that you need to exit stage left). Contact her and ask her straight, be respectful and make sure you don’t project your insecurities or anger on her. No matter the result of the conversation let your partner know after the conversation that you contacted her and give your reasons and if it turns out that it’s not as big of a deal as you thought, work on building trust with your partner.

-Ebi A