Hey,

Sorry you didn’t get an answer. But see here’s what I think, I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship. I think you need to address your hurt from the past. I think you need to take time to grow in terms of the way you view men/relationships. I think you should come to an idea of how much you’re willing to invest into these things without opening yourself up too much to get hurt. You need a healthy balance. You need not to be afraid of being hurt in a way that causes you to isolate yourself entirely and stops you from actually getting to know someone in a healthy way. I think what works for me is understanding where I went wrong in the past and understanding what was beyond me. Sometimes things are genuinely beyond us yet we still internalise those things as if how we were treated had everything to do with our actions… on the other hand, sometimes there are signs, as long as you don’t identify certain signs whilst talking to someone then be free enough to pursue that person without being too anxious. Another thing that helps me is understanding the things I give to people that make me feel attached to them. So say for example if you know you’re susceptible to becoming emotionally dependent very quickly maybe you need to avoid certain conversations that will cause you to feel a premature sense of attachment, only you will know the things you hold onto that give you hope that “this is the guy” in the talking stage when he may not be. Sometimes you also have to deconstruct some of those things that you think make you feel invested, so say going on dates makes you feel attached, maybe you need to go out more with guys in a platonic/romantic sense so that you undo the sense of “losing something” when you actually do go out on a date with someone you do like. That way when you do you can just look at it as simply going out and having fun, not omg “I hope this isn’t a waste of my time”.  Also sometimes asking the important questions earlier on, so communicating at every point puts your anxieties away (when you’re dealing with a sensible man) it gives you the clarity you need, us girls like to overthink things sometimes, things that might actually not be that deep and if you’ve been burnt in the past sometimes you need to communicate that to the person you’re talking to so they understand what is going on and if he isn’t serious and least you get to know that sooner than later. Right now he just sees you as someone wasting his time which is valid and he has every right to feel that way and that’s because you haven’t made clear that you have valid emotions behind your behaviour (it doesn’t make your behaviour right) but at least he will be able to know whether or not he can handle that. So all in all you will not find that healthy balance until you begin to know yourself.

-Ebi

Hey,

This is a hard one. I’m not married but I will try my best. I personally feel like you should have a conversation in person but a very respectful one. I think via message/email a lot can be miscommunicated and that can lead to serious problems in both of your marriages, also that’s evidence that can be quite incriminating especially if the other person doesn’t act right. Assuming you both care about your marriages as you say, I feel like a discussion in person shouldn’t be a problem and I feel like it’s less likely to blow up as it’s in both of your best interests for it not to blow up. So just simply state “I’ve had a lot of thoughts about our friendship and I started to think whether or not I’d feel comfortable with my partner being as close platonically to someone as I am with you and the thought that I wouldn’t be makes me uncomfortable” (assuming this is what is at the root of your guilt, so it’s not appropriate for marriage). So continue on to say something like “I think we need to create some distance in this friendship but at the same time I want it to be amicable and I want you to know that that will include not talking to you for a period of time”. You need to keep your explanations short and sweet because when you talk more than necessary it’s easy for people to find loopholes and use those against you and it’s very easy to incriminate yourself so I don’t think it’s best to discuss things like your attachment with him because I feel as though that’s quite inappropriate, those are things you need to work out either by yourself or with a counsellor. You shouldn’t share everything that goes on in your head, especially with someone who isn’t your husband. Now you need to address your guilt because that’s at the root of your issues and that can be very destructive. I would suggest understanding that you’re doing the right thing for you and your marriage and going over the idea that you went into this friendship with the best intentions and once you identified a problem you did what was appropriate. Cut yourself some slack. But I also suggest going to  a marriage counsellor to discuss these feelings and thoughts privately, they will have way more knowledge on these things than me and they could also help devise a healthy way of discussing what occurred to your husband without him taking offence. I hope this helped.

-Ebi

Hey,

You need to relaxxxxx babes, just relax. See it as no matter how it goes you are still the shxt. But maybe message him and tell him that you’re struggling with that, sometimes if you’re honest with that, the other person can help bring the best out of you by altering their approach and making you feel more at ease in person. So message him, tell him what you told me and see what he says, it might give you the confidence to be free haha. Best of luck.

-Ebi

Hey,

As painful as it may be, you leave. There is nothing about that relationship that you should give you reason to want to go back. Take this as your way out. He has zero respect for you, but one thing he does know is what he is NOT willing to accept (as cheeky as that is considering what he put you through) you should take a leaf out of that book and learn to NEVER compromise your happiness and accept things that hurt you, because this is how it usually goes. Most times the same person who hurts you can and will walk away if you even think of trying to get them back in the same way. So leave this one. Block and move forward. Surround yourself with good friends. Work on your healing and always feel free to write in again if you need help with getting over him. But first step go cold turkey girl and focus on you.

-Ebi

Hey,

I think you should let this one go. You can always care for someone, but he’s not  going about in the right way and even if he’s not purposely trying to hurt you, sometimes when you haven’t fully healed from something you can end up hurting others. Now you’ve identified this behaviour, it is for you to leave the situation for your own protection. There’s no point forcing anything, protect yourself at all costs, take the signs for what they are and don’t settle for being second best, because right now that’s what you are to him and until he says otherwise that’s what you will continue to be.

-Ebi