Ask me sex and relationship questions here anonymously. Please make questions as *brief* as possible to make sure you get a response. Please be aware that some dilemmas may be posted on social media platforms and cannot be removed on there or Ask Oloni once submitted. Not all questions sent can be answered due to the high amount received daily. For a QUICK response book a private call here
Grab a copy of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king
Sorry, I fell asleep
Hi Oloni, basically my relationship of 2 years ended 6 months ago and my ex boyfriend moved. It was difficult as he had been my first but then I started dating someone who he knew and I’m now in a relationship with the guy whom I’m really falling for. 3 months ago my ex contacted me again genuinely apologising for the things that happened in the past and for the past weeks we’ve been chatting and he’d say all sorts like he misses me and wants me back. I’ll always have love for this guy but I told him nicely I’m scared to be hurt again plus I have a man we carried on talking and I’m ashamed to say I’ve caught feelings again and we’ve been arguing cos of the girls that he’s been based around. I shouldn’t be mad cos he isn’t my man and were not good for each other I really do feel something for my new partner but I don’t know how to deal with the situation it’s overwhelming now. What should I do?
26. May 2016
You need to stop talking to your ex. If you’re communicating with him regularly, you’re opening a box of feelings that should have been locked away.
Oloni
Honi, I have a serious dilemma and its getting more complicated as the days go by. Basically I work with this guy he’s so lovely funny great personality PERFECT!! When I started working with him he told me while casually talking about general stuff that he had a girlfriend. It was never that to begin with we were work colleuges nothing else, but as the weeks and months went by we start flirting and getting close but I always shut it down and said to him “you have a girlfriend easy nuh my yute ?” but he always fobbed it up. Fast forward a month or 2 we ended up kissing and he gave me butterflies I thought oh shit that’s not good. The day after his birthday he finished work and was off for a week and asked to see me I said yeah no prob he came and stayed over for a couple days and we had a big convo about feeling and all that mess and we both established that we was most defo more than friends now but in the back of my mind the girlfriend thing was looming and I said nothing could happen and progress because he has a girlfriend. They’ve been together for almost 8 years but she treats him like shit but because they’ve been together so long he’s hesitant to leave her which is frustrating but I sympathis because I don’t want him to cheat on her or to leave her because of me I want him to do it on his own terms and if he does after a few months of them apart then maybe I can consider being them him but right now I can’t even though I want so much. The “other woman” is not my style. At this point I don’t know what to do do I leave him alone or see if he leaves her and then see where it goes from there…
26. May 2016
Hey hun, I’m not going to bore you with how wrong it is to be involved with a guy who’s cheating, because I’m sure you know that. But what I will say is that, if he wants to be with you, you won’t have to do a damn thing. You won’t have to ask him to leave her and he won’t feel no way about leaving someone of 8 years if he’s really being treated badly..I hope you’re not actually buying that story either. What I’m concerned with is, ‘why him?’ – Out of all the single men in the world, why did you pick and choose to get even closer to this one? I mean, my goodness.. hun if he can do this to someone of 8 years, what could he do to you one day?
You have to understand that I get it, as humans we do fuck up. We do, but the important part is learning from that f*ck up. Not continuing it and lingering around, wondering if that f*ck up will find it’s way to you.
People usually say, ‘you lose them, how you get them’ or something..and that’s not always true. However, would you really want to be with someone who YOU know is disloyal? You’ve already got a head start in finding out his true colours within a relationship..so once again.. ‘why him?’
If you want my honest opinion I think you should distance yourself from this dude, yes you might have a connection with this guy, but he’s committed to someone else, so yeah it kind of does make you the other woman. There are plenty of other men out there!
Oloni
Hey oloni, I’ve been with my girl for 2years now, but there’s a lot of trust issues on my part, she’s at uni in Canterbury and I work in London, I’m so in love with her, the thing is her ex boyfriend also goes to the same uni which i feel uneasy about, I constantly accuse her of wanting to get back with him, and she reassures me that’s not the case, but a friend of mine who’s also a friend of her ex has told me that she’s constantly asking him why he’s not talking to her anymore, like she misses him, I’ve told her what I’ve been told and she’s upset I believe my friend and not her, I don’t know to do, I love this girl so much and would love to marry her one day when she finishes uni but I’ve been hurt before and a broken heart is the worst pain I’ve ever felt. Please help
26. May 2016
I agree having a broken heart is one of the worst feelings, so I totally understand how you feel. If she’s never given you a reason to worry before I think you should give your partner the benefit of the doubt. I’m glad you spoke up and told her what was said, but the next step for you in my opinion is to ask that mutual friend of yours and her ex to stop speaking about your girlfriend to you unless he has hard proof and not some petty sh*t either. Do you know how easy it is to say, ‘I heard she was asking why he doesn’t speak to her any more’? or even misinterpret it. Her ex might even be intentionally saying things to him, because he knows the idiot between the both of you will say something. It’s complicated, but if you want this to work, you have to trust her.
Oloni
Hi oloni my bf recently started calling me ugly and fat which I believe I am neither every time we argue. The last time he said it I had said “well that’s funny bc the others boy I talk to doesn’t think I’m ugly or fat :/” to which he went crazy and called me a cheater after that I stopped talking to him. But a couple days later he showed up at my dorm with flowers and a teddy bear and had apologised for what he said, saying he didn’t mean it. Now I know he didn’t mean it but then why say it in the first place and get annoyed when other boys treat me better? Surely if he wants me to think that HE thinks I’m ugly and fat he would expect me to leave him right? p.s keep up the good work !!
26. May 2016
Hey girl, I’ll keep it real with you. I don’t think you should stay in this relationship. It’s okay to have arguments as all couples do, but when either of you start to get personal it becomes abusive. He’s calling you these things to lower your self esteem and that is absolutely wrong. Teddy bears and flowers, do not compensate for his disrespect and this doesn’t even sound like it’s the first time he’s made these rude comments. Be smart about this situation and let go of this asshole.
Oloni
Hi Oloni, I need some advice from you and possibly the timeline. My ex-boyfriend from about four years ago has been arrested for rape (we’ve stayed in contact every now and again since then). I won’t go into the details for legal reasons but I don’t believe (or don’t want to believe) he did it. He wants me to testify in court about our relationship, to show that he wasn’t aggressive or anything. However during our relationship, he lied a lot, was manipulative, emotionally abusive and cheated several times. That being said, we were both young and he’s grown up since then. What should I do?
17. May 2016
Hey love, yikes. Tough situation, ultimately the decision is yours. Personally I don’t think you should go as nothing positive will come out of this. If you do decide to go, you need to make sure you’re completely honest. He sounds like he’s desperate and looking for someone to help fight his corner.. but see here’s the thing you’re not that person. Yeah, you dated quite a long time ago but the history of the relationship still doesn’t erase itself.
Whatever you decide to do, put yourself first, be honest and wise.
Oloni
Subscribe To Our Newsletter
Sign up to our mailing list to read our sex and relationship features first.
You have Successfully Subscribed!