Howdy,

Okay a month isn’t that long but life happens haha. Okay, I always think it’s important to mirror the person you’re dealing with. What I mean by that is there AIN’T NOOOO WAIIIII you should be sitting here confused when he’s VERY upfront when it comes to asking you how you feel. So the solution here is to open your mouth just like he’s opening his mouth and if he acts like you’ve crossed any boundaries that’s his problem not yours. Now ask him exactly what he asks you and ask him what his intentions are, maybe not specifically with you but does he want a relationship anytime soon? Then ask him what his specific intentions are with you. Straight forward question. Don’t shuffle stick to it. The only thing is as it’s only been a month most guys will say something along these lines (I definitely like you and I want to SEE WHERE THINGS GO) but you see here’s the thing, as most guys use that line, so do most SHIT MEN. So the only thing you can do is either choose to ride it out and set an expiration date in your head or FALL BACK. Now you can fall back in different ways, you could cut him off completely but I don’t think that’s necessary. What I think you need to do is identify the things that get you sprung quickly and AVOID AVOID AVOID. if that means being intimate with him STOP THAT until there’s clear commitment. If talking to him as often as you do gets you sprung STOP THAT BABES and do that for every single thing you know makes you swoon for a guy. If it means exploring other options (non-sexually since you don’t want to be sprung on more than one guy) date other people but before you do that make him aware of your reasons. So “I’m looking to talk to other people (make it clear you’re just speaking to them) since I don’t want to invest in one situation that potentially isn’t going anywhere” and go forth and prosper. Good luck

Ebi A

Yupppppp I think you should definitely ask. If you’re a girl, guys get funny with the “what are we” question apparently so 1. don’t give them any prior warning so they can’t run for the hills (you have to trap them you see) and 2. approach it by first stating, “this is where I’m at right now” etc….”just wondering whether you’re on the same page or not”. so in short if you want to take things further make that super clear and ask them what they think. if you’re a guy well thats very awks considering all i’ve said prior to this, well you can use the same approach but I find girls aren’t as picky when it comes to the what are we question so you could just use that. Good luck, if he or she runs. Just go to bed. It works.

Ebi A.

Girlllllll contrary to what it may look like on social media listen this is not unusual. Life really just does happen and people often get into many meaningless relationships. It could be many things, it could be the type of guys you’re going for in the sense that you might need to filter out the kind of guys you entertain. So you make it explicitly clear what you want from the beginning and make clear how much time you’re willing to put into each situation. Sometimes it feels that way because we spend way too much time on each individual without making it clear what we want and by the time we’ve nipped it in the bud half a year has passed haha. This is an assumption but you may be at uni, uni is FULL of unserious guys haha, some are serious don’t get me wrong but its also about the boy to girl ratio and for the most part uni isn’t the time a lot of guys want to settle, post-uni bae life is real babes. Also if you’ve ever been rejected and the guy has become a friend, ask him what he didn’t like about you (don’t internalise/take personally everything he says because we all know guys are weird, but some things can help you out a lot when it comes to the dating scene). Write down what you want in a guy and highlight the parts that you think you’re just being unnecessarily picky about, show a friend if you want a second opinion and maybe go about your way being more flexible on these things. In no way am I saying compromise on the important things btw but some things really are not that deep. Date with a purpose, understand what your goal is and if you have picked up patterns, maybe you need to avoid those type of guys from the very beginning. Approach is everything. And lastly RELAX, you’re young man, very young….I’m 23 and single unless you’re saying there’s something wrong with me too haha i’m just joking. Good luck girl.

Ebi A

Hey lovely,

This is gonna be a long one for you haha,

I can’t begin to imagine what you’re feeling like right now but I’m going to try my best to tell you what I think you should do. People have various ways of getting over a person they once loved or still love, some ways are less advisable than others but people heal in different ways. In my experience the best way to get over a relationship, especially one where you feel cheated, is to face your pain as honestly as possible. What I mean by that is try as best as you can to absorb the facts of the situation. This doesn’t mean you’ll immediately be at peace with them but you need to literally eliminate all hope.

The practical ways of doing that is blocking him on all social media platforms, literally block him on everything. The thing is we know the things that bring us back into that space but we sometimes do nothing to prevent that from happening, if he keeps getting RT’d onto your timeline maybe it’s best you go out of your way to block him, or get a friend to do it for you via your account if you can’t bare to see his page. Don’t be concerned with what he’ll think. That’s just life.  This is a time for you to be selfish, so if someone you know is consistently retweeting him you have EVERY right to mute them, even block them who cares. Coming off Twitter completely is also an option but sometimes twitter can be a great distraction and other times it can be very triggering when certain topics are flying around. It’s down to you.

As for the advice you’re getting, to let go/to forgive and forget, these things are often easier said than done and most of the time when it’s said people don’t take into consideration that it’s a process. Take your time. I find transferring that anger into pity can work. When you pity someone for the way in which they treated you, you automatically put them below you, they are no longer on your level. When you’re angry at someone you’re effectively seeing them as someone who is on your level, relevant, but also as someone you expected more from, see the difference?

Get lost in your passion, force yourself to do things that you were previously scared to do, force yourself to work towards being the woman you’ve always wanted to be. There’s nothing more fulfilling than being a better YOU after heartbreak. The reason I say this is is because when you’re better after him than you were with him, whenever you look back at the situation it starts to feel like backsliding, you’ve gained so much more than you ever did with him, so you start to realise that you can never entertain the idea of seeing him as someone you still want or could be with in the future because you’re not the same and you now need someone who compliments who you are now. You begin to see him as something that STOOD in the way of your growth/progress as opposed to someone that helped you grow and better yet, you get to give yourself all the credit (and God if you’re spiritual).

Good friends. You NEED amazing friends more than ever and you need to be open enough with them to tell them what you don’t feel you’re ready to hear. So if they say something to you that you feel is insensitive to where you’re at right now let them know that and be honest with them and tell them you need their help and encouragement. Having people to encourage you regularly is honestly so precious, don’t underestimate that now even though you probably feel like isolating yourself and hiding from the world, you really do need good friends more than ever before.

When it comes to your mental health don’t be afraid of counselling, even for this, sometimes heartbreak reveals vulnerabilities/weaknesses/insecurities in us that we never knew we had, some of which even date back to previous life experiences and sometimes that means we have zero clue who we are anymore so sometimes we need help to understand ourselves and sometimes our friends are just not enough.

Spiritually and emotionally, you need to get into the habit of making daily affirmations. This is the time that you NEED to believe that you are beautiful, believe you are loved, believe that this is a season, believe that you’ll be able to love again. So for example I had a list of go to scriptures that I went to, I don’t know your belief but seek out the words that speak greatly about how wonderful you are and hold onto the promises in those words. Surrounding yourself with a community of people that you can relate too in a spiritual sense. (e.g. some churches provide counselling services, outreach etc. obviously you can tweak this advice depending on your faith). Writing helps puts things in perspective so don’t be afraid to write your thoughts down.

Seeking out people who are of similar age going through/who have been through the same thing you’re going through. This is important because as we get older we have different expectations for where we should be at so and so age. Sometimes it’s us and sometimes it’s those around us…ie. family (don’t be afraid of politely telling them to cut that crap) This mindset can be very toxic especially when dealing with heartbreak so if you’ve got any of those thoughts rushing through your head you need to counter them with examples of people who are just like you and are still amazing. As creepy as it sounds I looked up celebrities/pastors/motivational speakers  (youtube videos/articles) that went through what I was going through, I needed people who I could trust, that could also relate with me and read up on their life and more often than not they give out solid advice on how to cope with what you’re going through, even to the point of breaking down exactly how you must be feeling and by simply looking at what they’ve managed to achieve it gives you hope that you will get out of this stage eventually.

And lastly surrounding yourself with the type of men you don’t think exist/don’t see too often. It’s so easy to get into this “all men ain’t shit” thing and sometimes that delays our healing. That doesn’t mean jump back into dating but it does mean you need to pay close attention to the kind of examples you have around you in this period of life because those people can either unknowingly help you heal or trigger your pain. Sidetone: apparently gym, going out, tv shows and spending loads of money works, don’t know why but it seems to work for loads of people. Goodluck.

Ebi A

He did whaaaat? He’s foul for not being up front with you and not letting you get a check up. What’s disgusting is he went behind your back to do this. If he had nothing to hide, in my honest opinion he wouldn’t have done all that scheming. Right now he doesn’t matter, get yourself checked out immediately. He could have tried to put paracetamol in your drink and think it’d work as antibiotic. When you’re seen have a conversation with him to get to the bottom of his behaviour. I don’t think you should trust this guy or continue the relationship after this stunt.