Hey,

Do all you can within reason. Disappointment is understandable but I personally do not believe you should do anything that can lead to even more financial problems later on down the line. He is operating within his budget as he did have the option to pay for you to get there, so I don’t see why you should go broke at his expense when he is obviously unwilling to go broke at your expense. So just do what you have to do. If this means the end of your long distance relationship then as painful as that may be, so be it. Just reassure yourself with the understanding that you did all you could and you actually made an effort but things beyond your control got in the way. That is life, if he cannot understand that then what else can you really do?

Ebi

Hey,

I’m glad you have realised your mistake. The answer may not feel simple but I’d say communicate your feelings with her again and say if she doesn’t stop interfering you will have to walk away from this friendship. She is being highly disrespectful and respectfully terminating that friendship would be an understandable reaction to her unwillingness to stay out of a situation she doesn’t need to be involved in. Apart from that there’s nothing more you can do because he is also entertaining her input, you can’t stop him from listening to her but you can moving forward take note of all the lessons to be learnt from this and just wait it out and see what happens.

Ebi

Hey lovely,

I agree with you it’s a very big problem. I’m glad you found out. I personally feel as though to lie about getting tested says a lot about your character. You slept with him with the understanding that he had been tested. Going by what you are saying, if you knew he hadn’t been you wouldn’t have. Given he didn’t cheat but he lied about something serious. That in itself is something you need to consider and take very seriously. In a lot of cases, a person will only take your sexual health as seriously as they take theirs. If you choose to look past this make it a must that both of you regularly get checked together. If you choose not to continue with this situation I totally agree with that decision, luckily for you you didn’t contract something worse or you didn’t find out late, all of which could have been a possibility. Hope this helped.

Ebi

Hey,

This happens lovely. You both just need to sit down and set rules on how you will communicate your issues to each other without it reaching a place of negativity. You can either choose to do this by yourself or find an impartial mediator…ie. Counselling and so on. Make a decision to do good even when you don’t feel like it. So maybe go on dates that remind you of when you first met or do all the things you used to do…so that you’re reminded of why you’re together. You need to do more and more positive things to counteract the negative without leaving discussions unfinished or just sweeping your issues under the carpet. Maybe both of you need to honestly write down what is making  you angry. Then compare the list…then together work towards finding solutions to those issues. His mother will always be his mother but there are ways to reduce any interference without intentionally causing offence. Understand that what you let slide now will only continue. So if she is too involved and this cultural thing is getting to you, do not shy away from those discussions, just be respectful and request that he be impartial and think of the long term impact on your relationship. If there are aspects of his culture that he has claimed you are overreacting about then see if there is space for compromise and maybe find some people who share that same culture and ask them to explain in detail what those things mean and or represent. Sometimes annoyance with some of these things comes from a lack of understanding, the more you understand the less offence you will take (in some cases) if those things aren’t set in place with the sole purpose of offending you. This is all I can say given the fact that you didn’t go into detail. But hope this helped.

Ebi

Hey lovely,

There are many things that have been made clear to me in your question. One is that you’re still in need of healing. Your past experiences have understandably made you more anxious within your current situation and although that is a natural response to previous heartbreak you do owe it to yourself to work on those insecurities. The reason why I’m saying this is because all your current boyfriend can do is continue to play his part but it is truly down to you to find peace and trust again. How to do this? Come to a level of acceptance. Work towards not fearing heartbreak. Look at it this way, the first time you experienced heartbreak you probably thought you were going to die and you probably felt as though you would never get over it but now you’re here. You are an overcomer. So it is important to view heartbreak through the lense of “even if it hurts I will get through this” and I will experience better. I share quite an unpopular view but I honestly look at heartbreak as being a healthy experience…(not that I wish it on anyone or encourage anyone to wilfully stay in a situation full of heartache) but if channeled correctly heartbreak can really reveal so many aspects of your being that you didn’t know existed or you had not yet managed to tap into. If channeled correctly and whilst keeping he fact that you will and have overcome heartbreak it could actually turn you into one fearless lady. So change your perspective on heartbreak, although no one looks forward to it or wants to experience again if indeed it does come to that at least understand that it’s just a part of life. Now going back to your current situation, I do believe you need to let go of past pain and do that gradually bit by bit. Your mind is currently full of doubt, your past experiences have tainted your view of men to the point that you question even the good gestures. What that means is your past is still very much relevant in your present. You need to gradually undo that hold. Maybe you can start by understanding the way in which your partner loves. Check out love languages (google it) and also communicate your fears with your partner. Tell him although it may appear irrational and although it actually has everything to do with your insecurities and not him, tell him you need his reassurance. However, getting some reassurance from your partner isn’t an excuse to all of a sudden not work on those issues, because there will be times he can’t reassure you as often and there will also be times he expects his love for you to be a given and something he doesn’t have to keep on proving or explaining, doing so to someone who continuously chooses to not believe that you’re genuine can be draining (irrespective of whatever may have caused them to react that way). I personally know of many guys who do not cheat on their Virgin girlfriends/girlfriends who are celibate. Another thing is it is important to be careful what you feed your mind. Insecurities if fed with negativity can overwhelm you. Social media can present an image that everyone is sex obsessed or most men are disloyal if they’re not being satisfied sexually, so be wary of what you expose yourself to and believe. There are many ways to satisfy a man. Sex is just one of those many ways. If you’re in doubt of the ways in which you please him, ask him and he should tell you. Make a conscious effort to believe him and come to a space that in giving him your love, even if it doesn’t work out you did what you were comfortable doing. You should never regret that. Do not internalise another persons abuse of your love or kindness, it’s natural to be protective after your love has been abused but do not project someone’s own personal issues onto yourself and do not let that stop you from being the person you are. Naturally guard yourself and your love but not to the point where when someone who has clearly shown you what theyre about feels shut out. The right person for you will endure the process and keep loving you to the point at which you feel you don’t have to fear. So just go with it. Do not do anything you’re not comfortable doing, be transparent and open about how you feel and work on yourself. Hope this helped.

Ebi