Ask Oloni

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Do you have a lot of questions or are you just ignoring mine because it’s not good enough 25. March 2016

Over 2000, now what were you saying again?

Ebi

Hi me and boyfriend have been going out for 2 years, we both recently graduated about a year and a half ago. I’m now in a full time salary paid job, my boyfriend has yet to find a job it’s been almost a year and he still hasn’t found a job, he keeps saying he’s looking but no luck. But I feel like he’s not trying hard enough I keep telling him to do something in the meantime like contract work or an internship just to keep yourself occupied till you have found something stable, but he has yet to do all that. I feel like he now spends his time smoking weed, playing Fifa and staying up late. He’s starting to look more and more bummy to me. I also feel like it’s becoming a bore to our relationship because he can’t finance the expenses. I mean I don’t mind pay for our dates but he doesn’t like me paying cause he wants to feel like a man. We can’t go on holidays or do fun things and I’m getting bored. Every time I address his job situation he just shut me off, or he’s looking. I don’t want him to get to comfortable because this is how it starts. Honestly I don’t know what to do the thought of being with someone who I don’t see as hard working really puts me off. 25. March 2016

Hey,

What you do is do what’s best for you. You didn’t sign up for a bummy guy so you definitely don’t need to tolerate one. Make it explicitly clear to him that his actions are putting a strain on your relationship from your end and that you don’t think you can tolerate it anymore. Offer up that compromise again, which is to suggest that he finds a job in the meantime or at least shows some evidence of being proactive, even if it means gaining experience by doing voluntary roles, so that you know he’s not just being idle. Tell him if he doesn’t start showing you signs of progress you’re going to have to leave and make it clear that it is making you more and more disinterested in him and the relationship. Consider the fact that he might be depressed down to his inability to find a job which is why he may be shutting you down and it’s not always fair to assume he isn’t trying hard enough just because he hasn’t secured a job yet so be fair, but if all evidence points towards him not working hard enough then your point and this advice still stands. So encourage him but do not sugarcoat the reality of what needs to be done. Also don’t let him guilt trip you with this whole “if you really loved me” thing, sometimes love is telling someone what’s best for them, it doesn’t always feel good, but as long as that person is coming from the right place and has your best interest at heart that line shouldn’t apply to you. Hope this helped.

Ebi

Hi oloni and ebi. I’ve known this guy for a couple of years and we were good friends and would talk all the time. Early this year we decided to take things to the next level and start seeing each other. We slept together and would spend a lot of time together. However, he would entertain a lot of girls on social media which would irritate me but he’d tell me to not think anything of it, so I didn’t. I’d ask him to tell me where he saw this going and he’d avoid the question. He used to try to convince me that he wasn’t a bad guy, but the way he spoke to me, I’ve now changed my mind. I know he isn’t someone I should 25. March 2016

Hey,

Let it go. Do everything in your power to let it go. He is getting everything he wants from you and in action is showing you that he doesn’t care enough about you to keep things real. It’s not easy but you need to distance yourself until you’re over it. Unless you just want to hang around and get hurt or stay in this situationship till thy kingdom come and miss out on so many other people who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Stop cockblocking yourself and understand that any real friend who genuinely cares for you will tell you “look i’m not in a space to be serious and I don’t want to hurt you so let’s end this and just remain friends”, he hasn’t said or implied this but has instead chosen to lie (assuming you can draw that conclusion from what you’ve seen) that imo makes your friendship questionable and I don’t feel like you owe him that loyalty. You don’t stop treating your friends with respect just because you decide to take things further. So yeh, leave this behind, you still have loads of months to make this year your year, don’t waste them on anyone who insists on wasting your time.

-Ebi

Hi Oloni. So I met a guy last month and we started talking for a while, we never really got to meet up so the conversation stopped, suddenly this year I was out with my girls and we saw each other again, the connection was very mad as we couldn’t take our hands off each other(hugged for a long time), so we decided to make it work bearing in mind this guy does not like social media at all so he hardly calls and gives slow replies on whatsapp. Everything was going well and was perfect and I could us going further and maybe getting into something more serious until we were meant to meet up on a particular day and I messaged him during the day that I’d be free ( I cancelled all my plans that day for him), he didn’t reply until about 7pm and he said he was at a family function that’s why he didn’t reply on time. I thought he would plan to reschedule or come round to my place after but I didn’t hear anything from him, i didn’t want to call him either cause he hardly calls. Anyway I fell asleep and my girl comes back in at 4am from clubbing and she told me she saw him there and she said he tried to hide but she made sure she told him that she saw him, anyway i didn’t really deep the situation till Tuesday and I was very upset, I called him and he didn’t pick up and I also left him a text saying we needed talk, I deleted his number later that night, I’m just still yet to understand why he would do that to me? Everything was perfect and going so well, I’m just confused as to why? 25. March 2016

Hey,

It’s simple, he’s an idiot. He’s simply a time waster who had no real intentions of taking you seriously, or taking the situation further, you’re probably thinking “but we hugged” or “we had a connection”, yeh dead those thoughts, some guys are very good actors who do the most to get whatever they want from you knowing full well they have no intentions of progressing further than a certain point. Now one things for sure, he’s a liar, do you think you deserve a liar? Do you think you deserve a guy who can’t simply tell you how it is? That’s childish behaviour imo a grown man who acts like that is lost in the sauce. So forget him, keep his number deleted and move on because he’s definitely not interested in you in the same way and has no regards for your feelings. Tips on moving on? Tell your friends how you feel and tell them you need a distraction, do not internalise anything that has happened to you, it’s not you, shopping, gym, work on your passions, work on your faith or beliefs and just slay in general. All the best.

Ebi

Hi Oloni will this is a very complicated situation, I was linking a guy ‘A’ , last year after me and my ex broke up, I liked this guy and after I was linking him we got to know eachother and when my ex found out I was seeing someone new he got jealous and he hit me up and then we got back . But when my ex found out that I’ve had sex with guy ‘A’ he broke up with me he said he couldn’t get his head 25. March 2016

Hey,

Your ex is unserious, most times had it been the other way round there would be an expectation that you accept it for what it is and move forward. You didn’t disrespect him or your relationship but he’s obviously in his feelings. Don’t bother trying to prove yourself or change his mind. That’s not for you to do. Move forward and find someone who is willing to accept you for who you are.

Ebi

Simply Oloni INTROS is a private and exclusive matchmaking service. INTROS discreetly connects single Londoners aged 20-32 who are ready to date.

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