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Dear Oloni, hope everything is well. I broke up with my gf back in January, a month later I found out she cheated on me while we were still together. I’m still torn on whether to bring it up to her and question her or just let it go?
25. March 2016
Hey,
That’s up to you and what you’re willing to accept. Your options are to leave or stay and work on moving forward. But some things to consider, make sure you’re not going back for the wrong reasons. Do not walk back into a toxic situation because you feel you cannot do without the her. You do not owe her a second chance. You also need to ensure that this isn’t coming from a place of insecurity.
Ebi
Dear all, as i write this my eyes are filled with tears, I’m so sad,heart broken and confused… I met this guy he was really nice and we started talking and then we started liking each other, now we’re in a relationship but it will be a month next week… So 2weeks into the relationship i told him about my immigration problems because i didn’t want to hide anything from him, i told him that the only way for me to stay here was if we got married, i really like this guy and he likes me too.. At first he said okay then a few days later he changed his mind and said he couldn’t do it again because it doesn’t feel right in his heart and that we haven’t even known each other that well (we’ve been in the relationship for only a month) and he wants to get to know me more before he can decide if this is something he can commit to. He also feels that this marriage thing is like a condition for our love and that if he doesn’t marry me we cant be together and he just doesn’t like the idea of there being a condition for our love… I understand all his worries but i don’t have a lot of time on my side and i really don’t know what to say anymore..I know he is worried but I’m not that type of woman and i genuinely like him and i want to spend the rest of my life with him even though i know its too soon to determine that… I just feel that if he cant do this for me then he doesn’t really love me because then i will go home and we wont be together again and i really want to be with him but i don’t know how to make him understand that…. Personally i think he is overthinking this thing too too much and coming up with worst case scenarios, he even said that what if i leave him after? And honestly that is not even my intention…This is all i need him to do to prove his love for me cause he is my only hope, i really don’t know what to say to him again… Please can you advice me… or should i just let it go and just go home??? Am i being too selfish?? Isn’t love about Sacrifice and taking risks?? Honestly i genuinely like him and it really breaks my heart that he cant do this for me…
25. March 2016
Hey,
The fact that you think him doing this for you after a less than two month relationship is a depiction of how much he cares is worrying. I’m sorry but to expect such from someone so soon makes you the irrational one. Although, understandably you’re in a tough space and emotionally overwhelmed, do not project that onto him. People don’t usually rush into marriage, guys especially tend to take their sweet time until they’re sure. I’m sorry that you’re in this situation and I honestly wish you the best. I know this wasn’t particularly helpful but I hope this puts your emotions into perspective and his reaction into perspective.
Ebi
Religious people having sex is ridiculous
25. March 2016
Pray about it then.
Ebi
Hi so I was seeing this guy for a couple of months and we fell for each other pretty fast. I wanted to take it further but he didn’t which was understandable. I went on holiday and had sex with someone but it wasn’t intentional at aaallll and I felt so bad for doing it and when I came back told him what had happened. He was obvz upset and we stopped talking, then re connected a couple months after. We resumed as normal and It was all going well but then found out he was not over it till last month and needed closure but he claims that I gave him the closure he needed too late and he cant see me the same anymore because of the pain he has held for 7 months. We have had many conversations about it and he says he understands the situation more. He has forgiven me but he feels that I am not the same person to him anymore.Is it my fault that I did not give him the closure he needed even though he gave off the impression that everything was fine(?) we have broken up now and I want him back. I have been cheated on before but I still don’t know what I should do..what can I do to gain his trust back and make things right? Waaaah 🙁
23. March 2016
Hey,
Firstly, just to make things clear I’m assuming you were not in a relationship. You both wanted different things, you wanted a relationship, he didn’t. You also didn’t have any arrangement set up that you both wouldn’t sleep with anyone else. So I’m struggling to understand why exactly he or you for that matter feel you did anything wrong? If you both haven’t made it clear that you want to be exclusive. I don’t believe he has a right to see you any differently, it’s very irrational, but the fact is he does. So now what you must not do is internalise that because quite frankly you did not cheat. You also need not question what you need to do to get him to see you how he used to, if anything that screams insecurity. It’s not about proving your commitment because you have been doing that before to the point that you requested that you be something more but he declined. So unless your intention is to be in a situationship till thy kingdom come I suggest you keep it moving, focus on yourself and your happiness and if he is ready/will ever be ready he can address you accordingly. At the very best you can apologise for the way in which you may have made him feel but the fact that he wasn’t transparent about those feelings or his wishes for you both to be exclusive he needs to take a certain degree of responsibility for how he feels right now. When you don’t set out clear boundaries, someone is bound to cross the line you have made in your head.
Ebi
Hi Oloni, I really don’t know what to do. This dilemma is so long, so I’m going to make it as brief as possible (lol). I lost my virginity to this guy around 2 and a half years ago, after talking for 4 months, we remained talking for about 11months after that before parting ways on mutual grounds. However, after we parted ways he was still persistent to remain in my life and would attempt to do so by calling me at 3/4am to see how I was, ask if I’d had sex with anyone else and also to apologise. About 6 months after we parted ways all of a sudden news came out that he had a girlfriend whom he had posted all over Instagram, bare in mind he was still calling me and offering to meet up (invitations which I kindly declined). He left me alone for a while, however about 8 months ago his girlfriend called me asking if we’ve been interacting and I told her about the previous phone calls and the most recent one at that time which was a week prior to her contacting me. After this phone call mine and his toxic ‘relationship’ took a turn for the worst where he saw me at a mutual friends event and attempted to physically assault me. And that was the final straw for me, I felt like I could never ever forgive him. I had no desire to be with him because he had a girlfriend, however, I still had my heart open to us rekindling at a later date (silly I know). He made a fake Instagram account to try and contact with me on many occasions after I had changed my number, despite the fact he still had a girlfriend. Recently, our mutual friends forced us to have a conversation face to face with one another to steady the waters between us, and when there was a mediator in the room he was rude and very stand-offish, but when he asked the mediator to leave us to talk alone his tone changed completely, where he attempted to be flirtatious and remind me of old times, which are topics that I shut down very quickly. Anyways! Recently he messaged me again on the fake Instagram asking me to call him, which I did. He then reiterated that he didn’t want anybody to know about the conversation we had face to dad and the conversation we were having now. He asked me how I am, when I’m coming back to Manchester (from uni) and if my new partner is better looking than him. The next day he called me for random conversation and said that us interacting should be between us and our partners don’t need to know. He claims that it won’t eat his conscience keeping this from his girlfriend, however, I feel differently. He asked me again when I was coming back home and said that I should “holla him” when I’m back. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know why he is doing this. (Sorry it was long lmao) (oh Yeah, btw, he ‘slags me off’ to everyone including his girlfriend, but behind closed doors he sings a different tune).
23. March 2016
Hey,
Its extremely clear to me that you need to cut off all communication with this man. Not only does he have stalker tendencies, he physically abused you and had verbally abused on a number of occasions. He is a liar and he clearly doesn’t want you to move on but at the same time he doesn’t want you back. You need to leave this situation alone. Block him on everything. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t care he is just obsessive. Furthermore he is dangerous. You need to put yourself first. If he contacts you again make it extremely clear that you will report him to the police. Also tell a trusted family member if at any point you feel you’re at risk. Lastly you need to tell your friends that under no circumstance should they request you speak to him “in person” or arrange anything like that in future…it’s rather risky and I’m surprised that they thought that was an appropriate step to take given the fact that he almost physically assaulted you. Hope this helps.
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