Hey,

No you don’t need to be waiting around for this guy when there are plenty options out here (would he wait for you? nope)  and you also don’t need to be holding onto the conversations you had with him about marriage, words are just words. Right now he is not giving you what you need from him and he is still in communication with his ex. I would say even though it may hurt fall back and completely cut all ties and focus on yourself and stick to it, that way if he wants to be in your life he needs to come correct. At the end of the day let’s be clear you’re not trying to be his friend, you’re in this for more than friendship. Locking off your relationship and suggesting friendship indicates he is not on the same page as you and that’s always a recipe for disaster when you continue to force it despite the obvious signs (you could also end up in  a lot more mess than you bargained for ie. pregnancy etc. for a man who could leave you for his ex at any moment). Also don’t dismiss your gut instinct, it’s usually right. Focus on yourself, if he eventually plans to take you seriously he will put in the required effort. Guys are not lazy when it comes to a girl they really want and right now it seems like he’s wasting your time. Best of luck.

-Ebi. A

Hey,

There are endless possibilities so it’s hard to tell. It could be anything from “she’s not that into you” to she is still in the process of healing from her past situation or she just finds it hard to show affection in general and it’s nothing personal. The only way you can go about this is by COMMUNICATING. I’m sure you knew that was coming haha but it’s so necessary. So just like you’ve expressed your feelings in this message I think it’s important for you to express your feelings to her and make her feel comfortable, tell her you just want to understand her and that she doesn’t have to talk in detail about her experiences but she needs to give you something in order for this situation to progress healthily. I also think you need to make a decision as to what you can or cannot tolerate because you either accept someone as they are, attempt to help them come out of their shell (assuming they are actually in one) or you come to an understanding that you just might not be compatible (sometimes compatibility is a matter of wrong timing, she may not have healed from her last partner). All in all, you need to press for her to give you something you can work with, it is still early times so take it easy. Also don’t hold on much to everything you’ve talked about, ie. marriage and so on. Sometimes things are not as they seem but in all cases pay more attention to actions because at the end of the day that’s what is important. Hope this helped. Good luck.

-Ebi. A

Hey,

If it’s out of spite don’t message her she has feelings and she hasn’t done anything to you. As a rule of thumb I always say you wait until you’re in a better place to contact the girl (if you feel it’s necessary eg. unprotected sex, you’re not the only one, you think her health is in danger or she is) this is to ensure that there’s no level of bitterness in your approach. The reason why I say this is because girlfriends don’t always react in the way you hope they will, especially girlfriends who know their boyfriends ain’t shit. She can hear everything you say and be like “and so?” and happily continue with her situation. More often than not, if you were hoping for some sort of solidarity, which is what girls sometimes look for especially if they feel burnt or hurt, that dismissive response can really feel like shit. So prioritise yourself, move on from this situation (assuming you know better than to stay in a situation with someone who can’t even be transparent with you even if it is a casual relationship) and find someone you’re on the same page with who will not drag you into a potentially messy situation as a result of their selfishness. If you find yourself in a better space then do what you feel you need to do but when you get to that space, who knows you might even feel it’s long and think that energy is better off spent working on your new relationship or your own happiness and who knows she may even contact you.

-Ebi. A

Hey,

From what you have said it sounds like you’ve checked out of this relationship but you’re keeping up appearances. 8 years is a long time yes and you do have kids together but that is not reason to tolerate something you feel you can’t look past. I say you have some alone time, away from the mess, sit down and put everyone else’s feelings to the side and think about what you want, put it down on paper (I don’t know what it is about writing things down but it really works, you see everything for what it is, more clarity). You have a child together and understandably you’ll do your best to consider what is best for your child, but consider the fact that children pick up on their environment which means it’s very important to not deceive yourself into thinking that you’re making the best decision for the child when in reality it may not be. Your happiness is key and your happiness is also key to your child’s happiness. Also healthy co-parenting is possible. A healthy love life post your boyfriend of 8 years is also possible. So weigh out your options then go to your boyfriend with your decision (seen as you have a child together) and go from there, do not force yourself to feel anything you don’t feel or do anything you don’t want to do, you’ll just end up resenting him. Lastly do not internalise what has been done to you. This is everything to do with him and it is not a reflection of you in any way.

-Ebi. A

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