Hey,

You just need to speak. I know that sounds so simple but that’s actually all you need to do. Just say, you feel like you want to know where he’s at right now about your situation just because it’s important to you to always be on the same page with whoever you are talking to at any given time. That’s all. If he turns out to not be on the same page as you, you need to make the necessary adjustments to avoid disappointment and hurt. Hope this helps.

-Ebi

Hey,

I’m so sorry. Sending healing and love your way. What is happening here is that he has no understanding of how to deal with your depression.  I feel as though depression is really hard for some people to understand because people have various experiences with depression which means there’s never one right way to go about it. It’s also down to the individual, things that may trigger negative emotions for you may not necessarily be a trigger for other people suffering from depression, it’s so complex in nature.  I also think he may not fully comprehend exactly how sensitive you are, especially if he hasn’t experienced depression himself. Someone being used to the fact that this is your experience doesn’t necessarily mean that they have any clue how to deal with it, sometimes it can really be trial and error. I also think what is happening here is that his sensitivity may also be drying out not only down to a lack of knowledge but the fact that this has ALWAYS been your experience, people just get more direct after a while which isn’t necessarily nice. So as for solutions, I genuinely think you should go to a counsellor together and separately. You need to work on your healing (don’t rush it, it’s a journey <3) But you also need him to be in some counselling sessions so he knows how to love you through this. Sometimes people need to be taught these things for all the reasons I mentioned above. Him hearing that from someone other than you may be what he needs to love you through this in the way you want to be loved. These counsellors will have experience with people in relationships dealing with depression and should give you the best advice on some of the important ways of dealing with it. Finally, you need to work on your healing yourself because you don’t want your happiness to be dependent on anyone but you. If your happiness is in someone else there are two things that happen, you feel entitled to a certain behaviour from them which when you break it down might actually be unreasonable/unattainable given the nature of what he may be going through, the second thing that happens is if they leave you, your happiness leaves with them and that’s unhealthy. You need to find ways to cope and heal outside of the support of your boyfriend (yes it’s nice and helpful and he is your boyfriend) but the truth is sometimes he will fall short, you need to speak with the counsellor about ways to cope in those moments. I pray for your healing lovely and hope this helped.

-Ebi

Hey,

Sorry you didn’t get an answer. But see here’s what I think, I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship. I think you need to address your hurt from the past. I think you need to take time to grow in terms of the way you view men/relationships. I think you should come to an idea of how much you’re willing to invest into these things without opening yourself up too much to get hurt. You need a healthy balance. You need not to be afraid of being hurt in a way that causes you to isolate yourself entirely and stops you from actually getting to know someone in a healthy way. I think what works for me is understanding where I went wrong in the past and understanding what was beyond me. Sometimes things are genuinely beyond us yet we still internalise those things as if how we were treated had everything to do with our actions… on the other hand, sometimes there are signs, as long as you don’t identify certain signs whilst talking to someone then be free enough to pursue that person without being too anxious. Another thing that helps me is understanding the things I give to people that make me feel attached to them. So say for example if you know you’re susceptible to becoming emotionally dependent very quickly maybe you need to avoid certain conversations that will cause you to feel a premature sense of attachment, only you will know the things you hold onto that give you hope that “this is the guy” in the talking stage when he may not be. Sometimes you also have to deconstruct some of those things that you think make you feel invested, so say going on dates makes you feel attached, maybe you need to go out more with guys in a platonic/romantic sense so that you undo the sense of “losing something” when you actually do go out on a date with someone you do like. That way when you do you can just look at it as simply going out and having fun, not omg “I hope this isn’t a waste of my time”.  Also sometimes asking the important questions earlier on, so communicating at every point puts your anxieties away (when you’re dealing with a sensible man) it gives you the clarity you need, us girls like to overthink things sometimes, things that might actually not be that deep and if you’ve been burnt in the past sometimes you need to communicate that to the person you’re talking to so they understand what is going on and if he isn’t serious and least you get to know that sooner than later. Right now he just sees you as someone wasting his time which is valid and he has every right to feel that way and that’s because you haven’t made clear that you have valid emotions behind your behaviour (it doesn’t make your behaviour right) but at least he will be able to know whether or not he can handle that. So all in all you will not find that healthy balance until you begin to know yourself.

-Ebi

Hey,

This is a hard one. I’m not married but I will try my best. I personally feel like you should have a conversation in person but a very respectful one. I think via message/email a lot can be miscommunicated and that can lead to serious problems in both of your marriages, also that’s evidence that can be quite incriminating especially if the other person doesn’t act right. Assuming you both care about your marriages as you say, I feel like a discussion in person shouldn’t be a problem and I feel like it’s less likely to blow up as it’s in both of your best interests for it not to blow up. So just simply state “I’ve had a lot of thoughts about our friendship and I started to think whether or not I’d feel comfortable with my partner being as close platonically to someone as I am with you and the thought that I wouldn’t be makes me uncomfortable” (assuming this is what is at the root of your guilt, so it’s not appropriate for marriage). So continue on to say something like “I think we need to create some distance in this friendship but at the same time I want it to be amicable and I want you to know that that will include not talking to you for a period of time”. You need to keep your explanations short and sweet because when you talk more than necessary it’s easy for people to find loopholes and use those against you and it’s very easy to incriminate yourself so I don’t think it’s best to discuss things like your attachment with him because I feel as though that’s quite inappropriate, those are things you need to work out either by yourself or with a counsellor. You shouldn’t share everything that goes on in your head, especially with someone who isn’t your husband. Now you need to address your guilt because that’s at the root of your issues and that can be very destructive. I would suggest understanding that you’re doing the right thing for you and your marriage and going over the idea that you went into this friendship with the best intentions and once you identified a problem you did what was appropriate. Cut yourself some slack. But I also suggest going to  a marriage counsellor to discuss these feelings and thoughts privately, they will have way more knowledge on these things than me and they could also help devise a healthy way of discussing what occurred to your husband without him taking offence. I hope this helped.

-Ebi

Hey,

You need to relaxxxxx babes, just relax. See it as no matter how it goes you are still the shxt. But maybe message him and tell him that you’re struggling with that, sometimes if you’re honest with that, the other person can help bring the best out of you by altering their approach and making you feel more at ease in person. So message him, tell him what you told me and see what he says, it might give you the confidence to be free haha. Best of luck.

-Ebi