Hey lovely,

It seems as though you’re in a relationship with someone who is too afraid to offend, he’s a people pleaser which can be quite embarrassing for you as his girlfriend because it leaves you open to attack/shade from girls who don’t know him like you do. You know that he probably has the best intentions and does love you, but these girls see his friendliness as more than what it is. So yes, it is inappropriate and you need to tell him that any of these girls can turn around at any point and say “your man was in my dm’s” or “your man did so and so”. So let him know it offends you and that boundaries need to be put in place. He needs to learn to ignore messages, those girls won’t die, he needs to respectfully tell these girls he has a girlfriend and if they continue harassing him inappropriately he needs to unfollow or block and then wait and see if he puts this into action. If he insists on not listening to you, then there comes a point where you stop talking and choose your happiness and only you know what that is.

-Ebi

Hey lovely,

I’m sure you’re in a lot of pain right now so sending hugs your way. Now, in answer to your question, there is nothing you can do with regards to him, he has made his choice. Focusing on you for now, with all due respect your parents are feeding you lies (this is not to say that approach is not common, that’s culture for you sometimes) but this is not your fault and I’m going to need you to start believing that as soon as possible. The reason this isn’t your fault is your husband/fiance has a duty to love you and support you through it all, that’s what he committed to do, not duck and find another woman at the first sight of stress, that’s totally unacceptable, so do not internalise any of this and if you catch yourself doing so, cancel those thoughts immediately and replace those thoughts with positive ones. Now let me break down the “shame” part, although it’s not an unusual reaction to this kind of situation, I’m sure it has more to do with external opinions than the opinions you have of yourself. All of those people that you’re considering or you think you’re embarrassing are NOT the ones going through the situation, not even your parents. You’re the one enduring the pain, you’re the one in the situation. The only thing you should be focusing on right now is yourself. You have two months left of your education abroad, do not let this shit man stop you from achieving that because that will mean this man has not only humiliated you but successfully caused you to not complete what you set out to complete, listen lovely even if it means you study through those tears, do it, channel that rage into becoming the best you can be, but do not let it consume or destroy you, you will need to find your peace eventually. Now you need to see this as you dodged a bullet, if wanting to further your education is his reason for choosing someone else, do you know what that says about him? You’ve managed to avoid a controlling man who would have never wanted you to be more successful than him. Do not let this make you feel like you need to give up your drive or ambition. Anytime negative thoughts along those lines creep in, you need to counter them with positivity.

Practical things you can do, block him on everything, you don’t need to see engagement photos and you definitely don’t need to see wedding photos. You need to tell your family to cut off all contact with his family, there’s no reason to communicate with him since he has made his decision. Now there’s seeking closure and there’s venting, I think in this situation I feel like your closure should be in the fact that he has chosen to move on with another woman. It is painful, my God I can’t imagine how that must feel, but now you know. Can you vent and send him your thoughts? of course, I’m not going to police how you choose to cope with this, but I will say, you need to ask yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing at all times, if it’s with hope for him to change his mind or apologise profusely, then it is best that you don’t do it and you’ll realise even if you do get that apology it may not be enough. If getting it all off your chest is what you need to move forward, then go ahead. Sometimes you can even write it all down without sending it, it can help you make sense of your situation and your emotions and it can also reveal things about him that help you realise the more that he isn’t even worth your time. Tell your good friends (not the friends that you feel will find low-key satisfaction in this situation, you genuinely need those friends who have proven their loyalty time and time again, do not feel obligated to tell someone just because you’ve known them for years/longer than someone else), this will ensure that when you get home you will already have a great support system in place. Understandably, your home may not be a positive environment for you, considering the fact that your parents feel the way they feel, so you’re going to need distractions, work on your passions, do things you were previously scared to do, go out with friends, buy new clothes, go to the gym, get a new hairstyle, visit new places, travel more, make new friends and work on your spirituality if you’re a believer. As painful as their words may be, try not to take your parents words personally, they’re probably more annoyed at him but are looking for something to blame and the easiest way to do that is to blame you for travelling, I’m sure they know deep down that that guy wasn’t the right person for you, pride can make people irrational and insensitive in situations like this. Either way this is the time for you to be unapologetically focused on you and if by doing so it offends, then so be it and hopefully you’ll find your peace soon enough. PS. Disregard him as your husband, that makes him way more relevant than he needs to be, he is not worthy of such a title in your life, you may not see that now, but soon enough you’ll look back and make sense of this experience. Please write in again if you need anymore advice.

-Ebi

Hey,

You’re right it is disrespectful. However, don’t overanalyse the situation, it might not have been a date, that does not mean she wasn’t out of order for doing what she did without asking you how you would feel about it, but you just need to go with the facts you have right now and make a decision based on that. I would say you should sit her down and communicate your feelings, ask her how she would feel if you did the same to her…depending on her response, you can choose to start afresh with new boundaries in place to ensure there’s no re-occurrence, you can work on your trust for her (because I assume that may be in  question since you felt compelled to go through her phone), or you can leave if this relationship is no longer for you. If you choose to work on your trust, I think you need to write down the things you think are at the core of your distrust for her and communicate those things respectfully and go from there.  [Lastly, why the hell is her best friend helping you go through her messages? She has no business in this situation.] << *Ignore this last bit if you meant that she was having the conversation with her best friend* Hope this helps.

-Ebi

Any guy who finds you intmidating is not a guy you want to be with! Have you tried meeting guys through various ways? Through friends, apps, social gatherings. If you can try ..talk to the men you’ve dated previously (ones you’re comfortable with) and ask what went wrong between the two of you. There are several women who are extremely successful and have found love so do not see your success as a punishment! You worked hard for that, you should aspire to be with someone who can bring just as much as you do to the table. Keep an eye out on Simply Oloni next week. If you’re still having trouble, I think I might have something which will be PERFECT for you.

Hey love, chin up. I’m sorry about what happened and for how you’re feeling in general. I’ve been there, one minute you think everything is great between you and a guy and the next he totally switches up and doesn’t want to pursue things further. It makes you think, ‘well, what wrong with me?’ then answer is NOTHING. It’s not an excuse, but sadly there are a lot of 21 year old men who aren’t really serious. Not all of them, but there’s plenty. From what you’ve explained, it seems like he was only in it for the physical and the girl he’s talking to might just be the next person who’s time he’ll waste. Either way, keep yourself busy and off his social media as you’ll just feel more sad. Keep yourself occupied and with time, you’ll be alright.

Oloni