Ask Oloni

Ask me sex and relationship questions here anonymously. Please make questions as *brief* as possible to make sure you get a response. Please be aware that some dilemmas may be posted on social media platforms and cannot be removed on there or Ask Oloni once submitted. Not all questions sent can be answered due to the high amount received daily. For a QUICK response book a private call here

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What should I do if my boyfriend keeps accusing me of cheating when I’m not. I’ll be honest with you here there has been times he’s caught me messaging men over social media, nothing flirtatious but platonic. He got soo jealous, he refused to read the msgs (we were talking about skincare products I make) he’ll be mad for a few days/ hours then “believes” me after he’s done being mad.. But then will go right back around& say things like “‘go mess with the dudes you be messing with” blahzay blah. Part of me thinks he might be cheating if I keep getting accused over the tiniest things & part of me thinks he wants there to be a problem. So I’m confused Oloni as to what to do from this point because now it’s just getting annoying 8. October 2016

Your boyfriend is being very immature and needs to grow up. If he can’t trust you, why is he with you? In fact why are you with him? He can’t say he believes you after he’s finished sulking. He had no reason to be mad in the first place. Have a conversation with him and explain that his behaviour towards silly accusations is affecting your relationship. He might open up about something and tell you. Accusing someone of cheating doesn’t always mean theyre doing something behind closed doors, so don’t assume.. You never know he might just have a history of being played by women in the past. Regardless… He shouldn’t be in a relationship if he doesn’t know what you’re capable of doing. Also, do you REALLLY need to be having conversations about skin products via DM? I mean it’s not a big deal but unless it relates to a job, men being constantly hitting you up via DM isn’t always the greatest look. Anyway talk to him!!

oloni

Hi Oloni, I’m turning 24 this December. And I’m yet to lose my virginity. Tried recently with my boyfriend, but the pain was too intense. And I also had the feeling of my colon being full, like I wanted to use the bathroom badly. I also feel that when I’m fingered, please how do I go about fixing this? 8. October 2016

Hey darling, I’ve heard of stories of women struggling to have sex and this could be from a lack of foreplay and moistness from down below. Usually I always tell women to purchase some waterbased lube from an adult toy store.However, you’ve mentioned things that are more serious so I’d suggest you seek medical help because it could be vaginismus, book an appointment with sexual health nurse.

Oloni

Hi Oloni, I hope I’m allowed to ask this question because I’m not female. Recently proposed to the woman of my dreams and initially, we were very happy. A few days after the proposal, she was really scared and worried and after a lot of questions from me, she admitted that she had been sleeping with a married man she met before me and also, she had kissed some other guys too. She swore it will never happen again but it really scares me. I don’t want to be without her but I’m scared that I’ve made the wrong decision. 8. October 2016

Hey hun, anyone can ask me questions. If she did all of this before she met you, what’s the problem? If you mean she cheated, then the engagement needs a BIG pause. I wish you were clearer, but either way if you do want to stay commited, why not get some counselling together?

Oloni

Hi Oloni. I want to say thank you for creating this platform for women talk about our sexual experiences in a safe space. It’s interesting to hear other women talk about sex because I find it so strange. I thought it was a thing only men wanted, and hearing women talk about the urges helped me, at the age of 27 realise that I am Asexual. I first I thought, I must be a lesbian because I never had interest in men, but I understand that I’m biromantic (I find men and women attractive but I have no interest in having sex with either). I come from a caribbean home. the idea of being asexual is even more foreign than being gay. To not have any external sexual urges at all is seen as completely weird. I’m still a virgin, never kissed anyone or had any sexual relations. I’m not religious at all, not that unattractive, I just never wanted to. My fam think I’m waiting for the right man, my friends think I’m living the single life, they just assume I have one night stands and dickappointments. I let them believe those lies because I am really really afraid of the stigma and consequences of telling them I’m asexual. It makes me feel immature or less grown because sex is so linked with adulthood and it is literally everywhere and affects every relationship, platonic or otherwise. It’s like when you don’t smoke, and everybody else does. You can’t understand, it does nothing for you, it kind of annoys you to hear a smoker go on about how much they want a cigarette. You just can’t relate. But I want to live in my truth and be honest- I don’t care for sex, I don’t have a strong libido, I barely ever even masturbate. How can I start this coming “out” process? Do you have any links or resources to other black women going through this? And finally, I know you write about sex and relationships, but do you plan to explore asexuality conversations? 8. October 2016

Hey hun!! Thank you so much for writing in, due to my focus primarily being about women taking pride in their sexuality whether you’re a virgin or enjoy casual sex, I’ve never really explored asexuality. I mean.. I thought about it and understood it, but never delved deep into it. If I’m completely honest this message has inspired me to put a few blog posts together in the future and talk to more women who are in the exact same position as you. I think we live in a world where people assume that if you don’t have sex you’re either prude or as you mentioned ‘waiting for the right one’ and that isn’t always the case, the reality is there are thousands of people on this planet who are asexual, but some aren’t even aware of term or understand it. Just like any other person who enjoys sex i think you too should be comfortable, live your truth and celebrate what makes you different to what is deemed as the norm.. It doesn’t make you any less of a human being. I understand it may be hard because our society is becoming more sexualised but I think the best thing to do would be to start by expressing how you feel to your friends. Explain being asexual, so at least it doesn’t become a topic of discussion which makes you uncomfortable. I’d also suggest joining forums online where you talk to other people with similar experiences AVEN is a good one.

Thanks again for writing in!!

oloni

Hi Oloni I’m 18 my man is 19 we’ve been together 3 years he was unfaithful in the past but has changed – a lot. However , I still struggle trusting him especially around other girls in particular at work. There’s a particular girl who I know he chats to sometimes, and I feel insanely jealous. I know it’s unhealthy but I don’t know what to do to shake this anxiety I feel. 8. October 2016

Hey love, for the relationship to work you’re going to have to work on your trust issues or simply leave the commitment and work on it by yourself. Being with someone who you don’t trust is like self torture. Have a coversation with him first so at least he knows how his girlfriend is feeling.

Oloni

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