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Hey Oloni, I’ve been with my partner for a few years now, we are planning to get married and everything. He’s the only man I’ve presented to my family and vice versa. Because of work, we are away of each other for awhile, I haven’t seen him for 7 months which has been very hard as we were living together and I was used to be with him all the time. Last month I went out with friends, I met this guy who was interested in me but I immediately told him I have someone, we talked for awhile about everything, and by the end I would say there was a bit of flirting with the eyes, and I blowed him a kiss when he left. I declined to give him my number or any of my social media even if he was cute and interesting. 2/3 weeks later, I saw him in another party and I was really really drunk (it is bad and it shouldn’t be an excuse I know), I started to tell him that he shouldn’t get close to girls I know and then I don’t remember much but my friend told me the only bad thing I did was me looking for him through night and talking quite a lot about him. I feel so bad because I know the way I behaved isn’t right, even if there was no kiss, number exchanged or anything. I’m not interested in the other guy at all, I think I liked the attention more than anything else. I have been told to not tell my partner anything and to learn my lessons. But I believe it is important to be honest, and at the same time I’m scared this could break his trust which means break our relationship. Do you think I should tell my man? And if yes, should I do it now that he’s abroad or first thing when he’s back?
28. February 2023
Chile, I thought you were gonna tell me you sucked a bit of dick. Please let this go.
Oloni
Hey Oloni, congratulations on your engagement!! I went on a date with a guy and things didn’t work out. He wasn’t my usual type so I didn’t think too much about it. I didn’t disclose too much in my girls group chat but I did let one of my friends know in more detail. She gave me advice during but it came to a point she was a little too involved. She even got angry once when I didn’t answer her call because I was on the phone to him. Single life can be lonely and I didn’t want to leave her hanging but I did tell her to relax. I didn’t want to give her too much detail about how things ended. She has asked a few times but I always keep it vague. The gag is, she mentioned he added her on instagram. I couldn’t care less about instagram and also, he doesn’t know she is my friend. More recently, she mentioned him again. She told me they actually have a few mutuals (who I don’t know personally) who have said they would be a good match. We only went on one date and I am not one to stand in the way of anyone’s happiness. But why am I not receiving this love back from her? It’s not about him, it’s the principle, she was obviously jealous. If they decide to go on a date, I would feel guilty to stand in her way. Jealousy is a natural feeling, especially when you are single however I am starting to look at her differently, especially with past situations and advice she has given me. Do you think I should cut her off? Or keep her at an arms length in future? We have been friends since primary school so it just feels like a big decision to end a friendship over a man who isn’t even my type.
28. February 2023
If this was a guy from years ago, I’d say “sis let it go” but this all seems fairly recent and to me, it makes her sound like a desperate weirdo. Why would you want to entertain someone, your friend had just finished entertaining? I understand it was one date, but have some decorum. 😂 it’s like she was annoyed with you because you had a love life and now she’s thinking about dating that very same person. Keep her at arm’s-length.
oloni
Hi oloni, I feel like my partner has been cheating on me during my pregnancy, and he gave me chlamydia back in December 2022 I gave birth to a healthy baby boy July but now we are in a committed relationship I feel I can’t trust him he has told me he is dedicated to our family but I don’t know if this is what I want as there’s no trust and I feel like he’s continued to sleep around with females outside of london
28. February 2023
Hey thank you for writing in. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. I’m sorry you never had a faithful partner. I don’t blame you for wanting to leave you deserve a fresh start, especially after your emotions and sexual health has been taken for granted. I would suggest communicating to him about where your mind and heart is at. i’d also really suggest speaking to a therapist who can unpack your situation to guide you towards the answers you need. I personally believe you need to get out of this as soon as possible and I hope you do for you and your baby
Oloni
Hey Oloni. I recently got involved with a guy who was in an open relationship. Him and his girlfriend had been open for years, and there were always boundaries in place. We saw each other for about five months, but a week or so ago (after we had spent the day together), his girlfriend came home and decided she wanted to close the relationship down – meaning me and him were no longer able to see each other. I thought I wouldn’t be bothered by it as I was always aware of what the situation was, but now I can’t help but feel so sad that I spent this time with someone and never got the opportunity to have closure or a proper goodbye. We literally spent the day together and made plans to see each other again, before hours later telling me that they had closed their relationship with no notice. My friends say I should have expected it to end this way, but in my head I thought it would be more of a mutual ending. I knew it wasn’t going anywhere long term, but it does hurt that we slept together just hours before. We are still friends on everything and have spoken a few times since (which does leave me feeling a bit strange as I know his girlfriend likely does not know that we are still friends) and he says he wants to reach out as soon as their relationship opens again. Do you think I have a right to be upset over the situation, or am I being irrational thinking I deserved more? Also, is the fact I feel so hurt by the situation a pretty obvious sign that I should not date him again if the opportunity arose?
27. February 2023
You have every right to be upset. It was still a relationship even if it was one that doesn’t meet the societal standard. Secondary partners in relationships still have their feelings involved, you’re not a robot! However, if the primary partner has made her feelings clear and so has he, then you’re going to have respect it, even if it seems hard and abrupt. If you ever do find yourself in an open relationship state your boundaries and do regular check ins to make sure everything is fine on everyones end. Discuss length of time of the relationships and the goal, eg excitement, sex, emotional. If you do get a chance to speak to that guy, raise the question and express your feelings. This wasn’t a relationship that deceived anyone, I think you’re within your emotional right to ask “Hey what happened??”
Oloni
Hey, Oloni. I had a gut feeling that things had changed in my year marriage (a decade together) had changed. He was was reacting differently during sex and I confronted him about it, had a chat and he essentially blamed it on me. Fast forward a couple months I finally found evidence of an affair through his WhatsApp messages. I found multiple messages and calls got his mum round to confront and mediate with him. He went off the rails, punching walls and doors and was more offended that I brought his mum into it. In the end he totally maintained the story that it was a sexting affair. I believe with my heart that is bullshit as the messages reference ‘sneaky link’, ‘usual time’, ‘dicking down’ and other buzz words. I decided to move past and saw a therapist briefly to process my emotions and the fact that my fresh marriage had been compromised. He also went on holiday around the time I noticed a change in behaviour and because I’ve been so busy with my SEN child and self employment… I’ve too busy to do some sleuthing. Well, I had time this week! It seems from the confrontation early last year that he did a full sweep of all emails, so I couldn’t find his flight booking. I contacted the airline and received confirmation of TWO people, including one of the women he claimed was just an acquaintance (a different woman o, not the one he was sneaky linking). I know my guy/intuition 8s on point, so I’m not even shocked because I already knew. I am just so busy and don’t get a fucking second to myself that my brain is clogged and I cant process my emotions. He’s definitely taking advantage of this. Anyways, my question is how to confront him about this second woman. He was so meticulous he actually thinks he got away with this shit! I don’t know whether to beat him, kill him and just abandon him in dust. I can’t even talk to fam or friends because it’s the kind of thing you can’t keep to yourself lol
27. February 2023
I’m so aggravated for you. He’s clearly lying and repeating his awful behaviour. This doesn’t sound like a marriage, but instead hell that I really believe you need to get out of. How do you even reason with this type of person? From sexting to flying out with other chicks? wtf. You have to do what’s best for you and your child at this point. I can’t tell you how to confront it, but I do believe it needs to be done ASAP. Perhaps speak to a therapist if you feel like you can’t talk to friends and family. I also think you should save enough money for you and your child incase you need to get out quickly.
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