Ask me sex and relationship questions here anonymously. Please make questions as *brief* as possible to make sure you get a response. Please be aware that some dilemmas may be posted on social media platforms and cannot be removed on there or Ask Oloni once submitted. Not all questions sent can be answered due to the high amount received daily. For a QUICK response book aprivate callhere
Hey Oloni. I recently got involved with a guy who was in an open relationship. Him and his girlfriend had been open for years, and there were always boundaries in place. We saw each other for about five months, but a week or so ago (after we had spent the day together), his girlfriend came home and decided she wanted to close the relationship down – meaning me and him were no longer able to see each other. I thought I wouldn’t be bothered by it as I was always aware of what the situation was, but now I can’t help but feel so sad that I spent this time with someone and never got the opportunity to have closure or a proper goodbye. We literally spent the day together and made plans to see each other again, before hours later telling me that they had closed their relationship with no notice. My friends say I should have expected it to end this way, but in my head I thought it would be more of a mutual ending. I knew it wasn’t going anywhere long term, but it does hurt that we slept together just hours before. We are still friends on everything and have spoken a few times since (which does leave me feeling a bit strange as I know his girlfriend likely does not know that we are still friends) and he says he wants to reach out as soon as their relationship opens again. Do you think I have a right to be upset over the situation, or am I being irrational thinking I deserved more? Also, is the fact I feel so hurt by the situation a pretty obvious sign that I should not date him again if the opportunity arose?
27. February 2023
You have every right to be upset. It was still a relationship even if it was one that doesn’t meet the societal standard. Secondary partners in relationships still have their feelings involved, you’re not a robot! However, if the primary partner has made her feelings clear and so has he, then you’re going to have respect it, even if it seems hard and abrupt. If you ever do find yourself in an open relationship state your boundaries and do regular check ins to make sure everything is fine on everyones end. Discuss length of time of the relationships and the goal, eg excitement, sex, emotional. If you do get a chance to speak to that guy, raise the question and express your feelings. This wasn’t a relationship that deceived anyone, I think you’re within your emotional right to ask “Hey what happened??”
Oloni
Hey, Oloni. I had a gut feeling that things had changed in my year marriage (a decade together) had changed. He was was reacting differently during sex and I confronted him about it, had a chat and he essentially blamed it on me. Fast forward a couple months I finally found evidence of an affair through his WhatsApp messages. I found multiple messages and calls got his mum round to confront and mediate with him. He went off the rails, punching walls and doors and was more offended that I brought his mum into it. In the end he totally maintained the story that it was a sexting affair. I believe with my heart that is bullshit as the messages reference ‘sneaky link’, ‘usual time’, ‘dicking down’ and other buzz words. I decided to move past and saw a therapist briefly to process my emotions and the fact that my fresh marriage had been compromised. He also went on holiday around the time I noticed a change in behaviour and because I’ve been so busy with my SEN child and self employment… I’ve too busy to do some sleuthing. Well, I had time this week! It seems from the confrontation early last year that he did a full sweep of all emails, so I couldn’t find his flight booking. I contacted the airline and received confirmation of TWO people, including one of the women he claimed was just an acquaintance (a different woman o, not the one he was sneaky linking). I know my guy/intuition 8s on point, so I’m not even shocked because I already knew. I am just so busy and don’t get a fucking second to myself that my brain is clogged and I cant process my emotions. He’s definitely taking advantage of this. Anyways, my question is how to confront him about this second woman. He was so meticulous he actually thinks he got away with this shit! I don’t know whether to beat him, kill him and just abandon him in dust. I can’t even talk to fam or friends because it’s the kind of thing you can’t keep to yourself lol
27. February 2023
I’m so aggravated for you. He’s clearly lying and repeating his awful behaviour. This doesn’t sound like a marriage, but instead hell that I really believe you need to get out of. How do you even reason with this type of person? From sexting to flying out with other chicks? wtf. You have to do what’s best for you and your child at this point. I can’t tell you how to confront it, but I do believe it needs to be done ASAP. Perhaps speak to a therapist if you feel like you can’t talk to friends and family. I also think you should save enough money for you and your child incase you need to get out quickly.
Sending you lots of love ❤️
Oloni
Hi, I’m 27 and dating for love. I’m very intentional but often end up having sex with a guy I’m interested in because I enjoy sex. My issue is when I meet a guy who I have amazing sexual chemistry with, like there’s nothing I would change about our energy and what we do – as he’s just as adventurous as me. I start to find it hard to detach myself when they do something that upsets me or isn’t what I would want in a partner and they don’t correct it after multiple times communicating. I’m starting to feel like I should withhold sex because it’s definitely making me more attached to them. Sometimes in the past when I’ve been ready to end it with someone it takes me way longer (but I do it) cos the sex has me. I love sex but I think it’s creating a false closeness/connection. Should I wait till I bond with someone more first ? Or will that still be the same potentially even if I wait months ?
27. February 2023
It feels like you’ve basically answered your own question and that’s a positive thing because it means you’re aware of what might need to change and what sex could possibly be doing, You should test out not sleeping with someone too early and seeing if it makes things different for you. I’m not saying it will, but you’ll only know if you try.
It sucks when the sex is lit, I get it.. but you owe yourself exploring sex and love in a new way.
Oloni
Hi oloni my child’s father does not acknowledge her however I not long found out he has another child with a person I can only assume he is dating however he has said they just coparent but I can’t trust what he says as he’s a liar but do I try find the female as I want my child to know her sibling or do I just continue to raise my child alone and hope when they are older they find one another as I have no clue if she knows about me and I do not want to cause drama
27. February 2023
Sorry you’re experiencing this first of all. I hope you have friends and family who are supporting you. I do think you should notify the other lady, but what I really you to do is to get him on child support asap.
Oloni
Hi Oloni, so my partner and I have been broken up for nearly 8 months but have still been sleeping together, during this period I have also dated and slept with other people (close to home) but maintained or should I say lie that I have been focusing on myself. I want him back but don’t want to start on lies, I know if I tell him, he wouldn’t be able to move on, should I just take it to the grave?
25. February 2023
Are you sing protection with these other people? I don’t think it’s any of his business, but as long as you’re fine sexually health wise its entirely up to you.
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