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Hi Oloni, so basically my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday and he said it’s because of my “attitude”. He’s mentioned my attitude before and I’ve been trying to work on it but I got pregnant and very hormonal, a lot of the time I felt out of control with my emotions and actions. Since I discovered I was pregnant about 2 weeks ago, we were having constant arguments back and forth and that’s fair enough- a pregnancy is a lot for any relationship to handle. I had an abortion. And even on the day of the initial consultation, he was so angry with me (bc he felt unappreciated), that he didn’t speak to me the whole time and even the nurse said to me “oh you aren’t on good terms”. It was really embarrassing for me to be at the abortion clinic and for it to be so obvious that he was mad at me. I felt as though even if I’d done the worst thing, he should’ve still been there for me. Anyway we discussed this after and he was very very apologetic and understood so I forgave him. Fast track to 10 days post abortion (yesterday). He and I had been arguing a lot less and I’d really been trying to work on my attitude but pregnancy takes a toll and I’d had a very very painful abortion. Hormones don’t just go back to usual levels straight away and I’d still been feeling slightly on edge. Anyway we had an argument in which he was the far ruder party but then proceeded to say some pretty mean and condescending stuff like “you really like to be pitied don’t you” and “I’m tired of you”. Then when I told him that we needed to talk about the things he’d done that upset me he said “I’m done dealing with you bye”. I asked him if he was sure and he, rudely, said he was sure. So I said okay. I cried and cried and cried Oloni, more than when I found out I was pregnant. I can’t even see myself with anyone else and I love him so much. I respect that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but I’m not sure how to adjust to life without him. He’s my bestfriend. I called him last night (stupid of me I know) and we talked for a bit and he said he’s around to talk whenever I need to, but that’s not helpful for either of us to heal. I guess it just felt very rash and sudden. Times that things have happened that we could’ve broken up for, I decided that we should work on ourselves and try to improve but I guess that was all for nothing. We honestly had the best relationship and i know that he still cares for me but I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying. I understand that I’m meant to give myself time to be sad, but I’ve got exams and me lying down crying is gonna be the worst thing for me right now. I went to the gym after he broke up with me and I stayed in the changing rooms and cried because he came to the gym with me once and we had a great time. I really do love him. Please, I just don’t know how to numb the pain or how to move on. On one hand I want to fight for our relationship and keep in contact with him and try to improve myself so that we can still be together. But on the other hand, it’s not by force. If he no longer wants to be with me I can’t embarrass myself by continuing to pine for him. I’ve just never felt more alone.
23. April 2017
Hey hun, you’ve been going through quite a difficult time. A termination is never easy and as you mentioned, it will come with a rollercoaster of emotions.
I think that due to what you have just been through, you’re in a place where you need someone for mental and emotional support. I don’t think, however, your ex is the best person. From what you mentioned you’ve had disagreements and during a really sensitive time for the both of you. I also feel that the longer you try to keep him in the picture the harder it will be to move on. You should be around good friends, who can help you push through these moments and understand that with time, you will get/feel better.
I understand that was your bestfriend, but how good of a friend was he if that’s how he spoke to you after what you went through? It’s insensitive. Friends and especially boyfriends never behave like that.
Use this time to focus on yourself, so you can grow as a person. I think you should seek professional help and see a therapist who can guide you professionally throughout this break up.
Oloni
Hey oloni! I just wanted to ask and confess something at the same time. So last night my best friend of several years and I went to a mutual friends birthday bash. Now let’s keep in mind whenever my friend and I go out to an event I’m the “mom” between the both of us every time. But this time she got her boyfriend to go with us to the party so he can be the “adult” of the gang. My own boyfriend said he didn’t want to go out with me (he’s that kind of person- not into partying) so it was just us three, on arriving to the scene I brought with me a full bottle of ciroc to make the night a bit more interesting. So we all partied and moving on further into the night I was that girl who made the porcelain throne ? her new bff. It was awful. Moving along, he (best friend boyfriend) helped me into the car because my friend was drunk while he was holding me to guide me to the car I could feel some gripping of my sides as if he was caressing me but I assumed it was brain playing foolish games with me too so he took care of me and we all eventually went home. I slept over at besties house because I was in a very bad state . While I’m in bed with her (bestie) he came made sure we were okay and then after a while he starts fuckin her while she’s passed out next to me and there was a point in time he was touching my back (because the strap on my dress tore so most of my back was bare and a boob was poking out somewhere) and he came across my nipples and started playing with it. I didn’t really mind because at that moment I wanted some of the action also because my guy wasn’t there but I knew I couldn’t because that’s my best friends boyfriend I can’t do that kind of thing. But the pussy said NO that she’s gonna get her cut in this. After caressing him while he’s long dickin my friend he switched and started fucking me and a couple strokes in he cums. I don’t think my friend was aware of this part. Long story short we all had this mini threesome and passed out. Except bestie boyfriend who was sober after he was done having his way with two highly intoxicated women he went to “sleep” in his car. Until we all woke up snd carrird on with our daily duties Oloni should I bring up this matter with bestie and call him out or was I wrong in this whole matter too. I feel a hefty weight of guilt in my heart even though it’s something all three of us participated in. And idk what to do ?.
22. April 2017
I’ll be honest this dilemma confused me quite a bit. Her boyfriend should not have been having sex with either of you if you weren’t able to consent to it.
You should really talk to your friend about it, because it sounds like this is just being swept underneath a rug.
If you are NOT fine with this, bring it up, because what he did was very dangerous.
Oloni
Hi baby girl! I love what you are doing and want to appreciate the countless advice you have given me and every other person who uses ask oloni. Thank you and hope you reach greater height love <3
22. April 2017
Aww thank you so much!
Hi Oloni. I’ve been seeing this guy for a while now. I’ve known I’m for a while but we have been going out for three months. Here’s the thing tho..this guy is sweet as hell and he’s the really romantic type. he always wants to talk to me..even when we have an issue..he’s always the one who reaches out to me first, regardless whether I’m at fault or not… andddd, The SEX! oh my dayssss…is beyond phenomenal, had no idea how flexible I was until i met him, lol. we are both still in college, 3rd year, but we also work full time. However, the dilemma is he has never ever spent a dime on me. no dates..no gifts, nothing..even when we went to the movies, I paid for my ticket myself 🙁 I don’t know what to make of it because he is like perfect in every other area. He openly tells his friends about me, so it’s not like he’s trying to hide me. I just don’t know what to make of it or how to raise it with him, since money talks can be quite touchy. It’s not like he’s broke or anything..because his parents are generous donors to our school. I’m not a gold digger, it just really bothers me because I’m a giver and I just feel it’s a nice gesture to be spent on too
22. April 2017
Why not have a conversation and ask him about it?
Oloni
Hi oloni, I just want to start by saying it’s inspirational to see a Nigerian sex and relationship expert following her dreams dispute the disapproval of ‘traditional’ Yoruba morals , I’m really scared and I don’t know what to do, basically I’m Bi but right now I’m with a girl and I love her so much but our relationship is on the rocks because I’m in the closet and her family keeps putting pressure on her to make me come out then they’ll take us seriously but coming from a Religious Nigerian family I can’t come out my family will disown me and worse it could really break my mothers heart in her words ‘ the shame will allow her enemies to laugh at her’… do you have any advice please I feel like my mental health is getting worse cause I don’t wanna loose my gf and I don’t wanna loose my family but I really want to come out of the closet I’m tired of the lies and the hiding, I’m tired of living my life in fear of being found out
22. April 2017
Hey love! Thanks for writing in and for your kind words. I hope, I’m able to help.
In my opinion you should never feel pressured to come out of the closet, that’s nobody’s decision to make but yours. I think this is what you need to explain to your partner.
Addressing your sexuality to your family is what you’ll have to do, when you feel safe and ready. It’s so easy for others who aren’t in your position to say ‘tell your family’, but what you’re afraid of is very understandable.
As you know I’m Nigerian, so I completely know where you’re coming from. However, I think it’d be wise to talk to other people in the LGBT community who are from similar backgrounds, who can share their coming out journey with you & also help.
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