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When to Finally Have Sex With The Guy You’re Dating

Sex with a new guy you’ve just started dating can be a bit of a slippery slope. There’s usually a fear that women face, the fear of potentially losing our power once laying bare with him. Will he call again? Will instant messages with him remain the same or will you start double texting, only to be met with a 5 hour delayed response of, “Oh sorry, I’ve only just seen this”. Sure Jan.

Sometimes, we find ourselves latching on to the guy we’re dating after sleeping together, unable to decipher if we like him, or confused by the false sense of intimacy sex creates.

The questions I receive a lot from women are usually, “When should I sleep with him?” “Is it too soon to have sex?”, “How do I know he’s serious about me and not just after sex?” It’s an incredibly popular one, asked by women who clearly want more than the physical or might just want to be sure before their emotions are really involved.

There will always be clear signs that a man only wants to be involved with you for sexual pleasure, this can be by the way he speaks to you and EXACTLY by what he does.

Is he always dropping sexual innuendos? Is he constantly asking to see nude photos/videos? Does he ask who you live with early on, when it had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation? Is HE sending YOU nude photos of himself on Snapchat? Or slipping in inappropriate comments half the time you speak? Does he pop up every 3 months to ask if you’re still with your boyfriend?

Everything I’ve just listed are clear indicators that he’s trying to fuck you, he might eventually like you, but at this present time, he’s trying to hit.

Then, there are the ones who don’t make it their mission to be so overt with what they’re after. You’ll be taken out on dates, spoilt and develop a great foundation of friendship, yet the only aim he has, is to try and have sex with you.

Having a new sexual experience with a guy you might possibly want more with will always be a risk within itself. In fact, a few days ago one of my favourite sex and relationship authors Passport Cutty tweeted, “You don’t ever know the end of the game till he gets the pussy. Either he gonna fall back or fall in!”

She also added in a caption on Instagram, “This is why you have to fight the tingle until you are really ready to take the risk of him never calling you again or slowing down.”

“You’re never going to know how he really feels until he’s conquered you.”

Cutty added, “Any time you’re about to have sex with someone ask yourself ‘will I mind if he falls back after this?’”

There have been so many instances where women have written to me, upset that the guy they were getting to know and really liked stopped showing an interest once they had slept together. They make the mistake of assuming that sex means they get to live happily ever after with this man, or that it’d bring them closer.

It’s not true. Not even if you’re a virgin.

Yes, sex can be seen as how two people prove their feelings for each other, but society has shown us that the way men see sex isn’t the same as the way women have been conditioned to view it. In many cases there’s usually only one person out of the two who sees it as a ground breaking step and it’s not the man.

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Having sex with someone will never guarantee you as a permanent person in their life romantically, well, unless you’re after a situationship. That’s why it’s important to remember to only have sex for yourself, not because you believe it’ll keep him, not because your friends suggested you should, but because you want to.

I remember when I once slept with a guy I was dating. I always knew that at the back of my mind I wanted to be intimate with him eventually, regardless of where it went with us and that I’d be perfectly fine if things didn’t work out. Would I have preferred if it did? Perhaps. But I did it because I felt a sexual attraction. I couldn’t force something which wasn’t there for the sake of sex. I would have been cheating myself and wasting my own time.

It is okay to just want sex. Not every guy you date has to be your boyfriend, some can just be a pleasant sexual experience. You also don’t need to sleep with every person you date non-exclusively.

I think what annoys us as women is when a guy isn’t honest about what he wants. They believe we’ll do a runner in fear of being looked at as a hoe, and in some cases… it’s true.

My guy friends have openly admitted about the times they’ve been truthful about their intentions of just wanting the physical. In one scenario the lady turned around and said, she wasn’t that “type” of girl. Three days of no communication followed, till she found the courage to call him over to chill, then voila, he was offing her pant and having toe curling, wet, and pleasurable sex, ending in the most intense orgasmic release.

However, what happens next? The belief that this will bring them both closer and even change his mind.

Ha!

…I mean don’t get me wrong, there have definitely been scenarios where sex happens after and eventually a relationship blossoms, but don’t feel bummed out if that isn’t the case, especially if their intentions were communicated before.

It’s also important to highlight that if you’re a person who can only have sex with someone you’d like to be in a committed relationship with, then explain this to the person you’re dating. It still won’t guarantee anything, but if you’re dating a decent human being, it gives them the opportunity to be transparent with you, but don’t be fooled, because some men will ask to exclusively date you just so they can sleep with you.

Sex can change the narrative of a relationship, but that’s why it’s vital to not rush the sexual side till you’re 100% comfortable on how it could possibly turn out. If you feel like there is a connection, sometimes you might have to withhold sex just to be sure. Yes, I said, withhold sex.

This doesn’t mean that sleeping with a guy during the third month will keep him interested, but instead it allows you to find out what his game really is.

As sexually liberated as women are today, it still doesn’t change the common knowledge that women are more likely to be after a relationship than sex, whereas men are the total opposite.

When I used to host dating events for singles, I always found that although the tickets were slightly more expensive for women and cheaper for men, tickets for women always sold out twice as fast. It was interesting to see, but confirmed what I was already aware of.

This isn’t to say that men who are relationship oriented don’t exist, they do, but it’s not as common to hear men say they can only get into bed with a woman they’re in a commitment with.


If you enjoyed this blog, then support my book called #TheBigO here. It can only happen with YOUR help!

Thanks,
Oloni

 

 

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Dami Olonisakin

Dami Olonisakin

Editor-In-Chief and Founder of Simply Oloni.

6 Comments

  1. July 8, 2018 at 11:45 am — Reply

    Great article and I agree with waiting until youve atleast considered both outcomes. Less painful.

  2. Rachel
    July 8, 2018 at 4:37 pm — Reply

    Interesting piece. I think the major take away is that as women, we should have sex when we want to. Society needs to encourage young people more about transparency of intentions. And also shouldn’t shame people, men or women- especially for desiring casual sex. I think a part of sexual education should surround honesty of intentions. If a man want sex and no commitment he should state that and not manipulate a woman into thinking there’ll be more. The same goes vice versa. And young adults need to respect the wishes of whoever the agree to have sex with.

    • Dami Olonisakin
      July 8, 2018 at 5:13 pm — Reply

      I agree with you!! Honesty amongst potential sex partners should be taught in sex education. It’d save so many people from heartaches and unexplainable feelings.

      Thank you so much for reading!

      Oloni
      x

  3. July 28, 2018 at 5:30 pm — Reply

    Dami, i could not agree more with you because this is the biggest dilemma women go through about when is the right time to have sex with the guy you are dating and you explain it in the best possible way in this article!

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