The Sex Stories You Couldn’t Make Up Even If You Tried
I have been abandoned during a threesome, chucked into furniture, verbally attacked, and all during the act of sexual intercourse.
As a new sex and relationship writer for Simply Oloni I thought what better way to introduce myself than to share with you all some of my horrific sexual encounters as if I was telling you all a story. So ladies and gents, grab a snack or some vodka…
Chucked into furniture
During this disaster, which led to me getting an A in my art GCSE instead of an A*, a bruised rib, a sore jaw and back pains for two weeks it is safe to say I nearly died during sexual intercourse.
Myself and my now ex-boyfriend were having what I call ‘sexy time sex’. Sexy time sex is when you’re having sex but you’re trying extra hard to be sexy. You know biting your lip, attempting to do that sexual stare (you know the one), flipping your hair and then trying to hide the fact you’re now suffering from whiplash.
So that you can picture how this was set up to fail I will explain it to you in detail – we were on a single bed, my art coursework was all over the floor and his bedroom was tiny. To change positions we would have to stand up and awkwardly climb over one another, on a single bed you can’t go porn star style and flip each other around.
During this sexy time sex I stood up so that we could change position, thinking he was being ultra sexy and masculine, my boyfriend tried to pull me back onto the bed on top of him. I wasn’t expecting his masculine ‘I’m a man’ act and slipped on my art coursework. I fell completely butt naked into his bedside table. My head crashed into the table, my jaw collided with God no’s what and my ribs smashed into the side of his bed. The glass I had just filled with orange juice fell with me and splashed all over my coursework – completely and utterly ruining it.
I suppose you’re wondering ‘what happened after?’ like a trooper I got back up, got into position and got an ice pack after we were done.
My first threesome
I was home alone for the week so decided to invite some of the girls over on a Saturday night. It was a bit of a pussy fest so we decided to invite some guys over. Out of our guy friends only one of them was free (we’re no longer friends with him – way too awkward) so he came over by himself. We played drinking games which ended up with us all stripping down and being completely naked. After drowning ourselves in alcohol one of the girls passed out and was practically dribbling all over my floor, my other friend and the guy ran upstairs so I took to my sofa and in my drunken state must have fallen asleep.
I awoke to my friend pulling me off the sofa, giggling while ushering me upstairs, inviting me to join her and the guy. Before this, shall we say ‘wake up call’, I had never had a threesome before. I felt like I was going to war with no weapons, no shield and no preparation. I followed her into the bedroom and must have stood in the doorway for at least a minute before I went over and joined – I was questioning my life choices, my morals and whether this would be a stupid idea (it was a stupid idea). It was all going smooth, as soon as I got onto the bed I got that wash of magical drunken confidence and got into the cowgirl position.
Two minutes in my friend all of a sudden, out of nowhere, dramatically ran out of the room. She abandoned me and in the most dramatic way, hands above her head, screaming ‘I can’t do this’. Picture Blair Waldorf running away from Chuck – yupp it was that bad. To say coffee the next morning was awkward would be the biggest understatement of my life.
On a one night stand (don’t judge me for my sins) things were going okay, we had pulled each other’s clothes off in the cab, stumbled out of the cab, managed to pay the driver and get through the door with my knickers down by my ankles. How I didn’t trip over I’ll never know.
That was, till we got down to business. While in me he started screaming ‘WHORE’, ‘BITCH’ and every name under the son. His mother would not have been impressed. I was gobsmacked, I just stared at him blinking in disbelief. I was drunk and the most confused I have ever been – what had I done to upset this guy?
I shoved him off me and he simply said ‘what it turns me on’. I called a cab and guess what, the same cabbie that dropped us off picked me up and laughed at me the entire drive home.
What are your most horrific/weird/funny sexual encounters? We would love to know! Tweet us over at @SimplyOloni
By Soph Violet