When Do We Let Go Of An Ex?

Many of you reading this may have experienced a break up from a serious relationship at some point in your lives. The question is, when do we let go?

There’s a difference between breaking up and letting go, just as there’s a difference between waking up and getting out of bed. I had experienced a break up which left me wondering what I had done wrong, maybe I hadn’t been good enough for the person I was with, maybe I wasn’t boyfriend or husband material, or maybe it wasn’t actually about me..

We rack our brains and often wonder ‘what if?’ What if I tried harder? What if I was more of this and less of that? What ifs will have you trying again and again to no avail, but what is it that makes us finally decide to call it a day and move on?

Oloni, editor of Simply Oloni, posed the question ‘when do we let go?’ On Twitter and the responses were a wide range of opinions and techniques of how individuals manage to finally let go of a relationship that is no longer beneficial.

Subsequently, after reading through the responses on Twitter, I went on to have a few conversations on the topic of break ups. It seems to be a common thing for exes to pop up randomly in the process of getting over them, so what is it that makes us change and no longer become receptive to these random texts and phone calls? At what point do we have enough of trying and finally realise it’s time to move on for good? It is possible that we often let our exes back into our lives because depending on the depth and quality of the relationship, we’ll always have a soft spot for them. These are all questions and points of discussion which came from these conversations but after discussing other people’s situations and my own experiences, we concluded that the ability to move on from an ex is not easy and depends on a number of factors.

I love me:
Self esteem, self worth and radical self love can play a part in helping a person move on to better things. These three things are one in itself as they often come as a package. When we’re with a partner we can sometimes be so in ‘love’ that we forget about our own happiness and aim to please the other person. In doing this we begin to find security and self worth in the ability to make that person happy. When that relationship ends, there is a sense of unworthiness, we can feel like we weren’t good enough and therefore won’t be able to find better.
I say self esteem plays a huge part in knowing your worth and being able to decide whether or not you want to try again or move on because you will only accept what you think you’re deserving of. Without that aspect of self love and confidence, it will always be easy for a person who made you feel whole at some point, to walk in and out of your life.

In retrospect, I found that once I focused on self development and self love, I no longer relied on anyone else for my happiness and fulfilment. In doing this, I was able to love myself more and my confidence boosted majorly. But that is just the beginning of the journey.

I love you:
It’s clear that we often go back to exes because they made us feel a certain type of way, physically and emotionally. If you genuinely claimed to love someone whilst you were in a relationship, it’s ok to still love them outside of a relationship. Being in denial or trying to block out those emotions and feelings will only delay the process of getting over them. It is similar to having an addiction to a drug, that person was once our everything but at some point you realise the person or the situation is no longer good for you, in order to move on from it you must acknowledge your love for it and acknowledge its effect on you however negative it may be. It is the realisation that although you may love them and probably always will, they are no longer good for you in the space that you’re in right now.

The truth hurts, many of us can’t stand to be the bearer of bad news and we don’t want our exes hating us. But in order to move on we need to make it clear that we are moving on, that’s the first step.
“Actions speak louder than words”
There is no point in saying you’re moving on one day then waking up next to your ex another day, this only adds confusion into the mix and although it may have meant something to them, for you it could have been a temporary relapse. In saying this, I think it is important to keep a respectful distance from an ex until you can be around them without feeling how you felt in the beginning i.e. Butterflies, lust, etc

I guess the topic of whether exes can be friends or not is an important one to explore, maybe on the next post.

By @TonySupreme_