Ghosting – The Right And Wrong Time To Do It When Dating

What is ‘Ghosting’? – Ghosting is when you randomly stop communicating with a love interest or someone you are dating with no warning or explanation.

I’m a ghoster and I’m not completely ashamed, even though I know it’s a bad thing. I’ll receive all your messages trying to get through to me and, just like that, I become too lazy to respond. I’ll screen your call, but eventually share a lame excuse as to why I haven’t responded or returned your last 20 missed calls.

I have, however, been on the receiving end of being ghosted on and I hated it. I wanted to make excuses for him, ‘oh perhaps he’s really busy’, ‘maybe he lost or broke his phone’ – even if I could clearly see activity updates on every type of social media platform Mark Zuckerberg had invested in. It made me question whether there was something wrong with me. Had I suddenly stopped becoming so interesting? Was this karma’s cruel intention for doing the same things? Or was I just simply not worth the lame excuse I used to give to guys? Either way, I found it offensive.

Two weeks ago I did a Facebook live stream with the popular media platform Mashable where we spoke about ghosting. Lifestyle reporter, Rachel Thompson, mentioned something I found so interesting. She said: ‘Apps like Tinder, Bumble and Grindr and whatever you’re using… I think we are kind of becoming so accustomed to seeing these screens with images that are kind of disposable really. I’m guilty of this, I don’t see them as human beings, I mean it’s terrible I know, but I’m swiping and obviously these are humans but, to us, it’s just a profile pic so there’s that disposable culture that is contributing to ghosting and it’s making us feel like it’s okay’.

I agree, I’ve found that due to dating apps like Tinder or even Instagram, we forget there’s an actual person behind that Whatsapp display picture, or behind the words that are being typed and sent so we don’t bother to treat them like an actual person who is stood in front of us. We’re ready to get to know someone new and give zero f*cks as to how it’ll hurt their feelings if we decide to put a stop to any communication without an explanation or even a heads up of any sort. We no longer want to respond to their iMessages, emojis, memes or mentions. We’re too busy to politely let someone know we’re no longer interested in speaking consistently, so slowly distance ourselves and fail to respond to any forms of communication.

Sometimes, I feel like some of us pre-meditate over our very own disappearing acts. I remember when I went on a date with this guy once and, just before we went out for dinner, he had asked me to help him pick a jacket to buy in TopShop. Later that evening after eating, he made a comment which threw me off. He said ‘don’t forget your purse’ and, like that, I knew he was never going to hear from me ever again. He was blocked on my phone and my Twitter too. I ghosted and due to the non gentleman approach he had with me, I didn’t want to speak to him anymore.

So when is the right or wrong time to ghost?

Well during my Mashable live stream my answer was that ghosting right after sex was wrong. It’s disrespectful and speaks volumes about your character, especially when it wasn’t a one night stand. It basically screams, ‘Hey, I got what I want and now I’m off’.

What about ghosting right after the first meet and greet if you’ve met off a dating app or social media? Now, to me, this just says the person you met up with looks nothing like their photos or has an absolutely different personality in comparison to what you were getting to know. But, even then, don’t they still deserve to know that this won’t go any further?

The right time to ghost should be when an incident has clearly happened between the two of you and you no longer wish to speak to them. You’re perfectly within your right to do so, even if you’ve known each other for two days or two years.

Another thing I noticed is that many of us ghost and don’t even realise when we’re doing it. Perhaps because we have a ‘I-can’t-be-bothered’ attitude or because the ghosting mutually happens and no one is too fussed.

I’ve always believed that some of the men who we date, ‘talk’ to or sleep with, who then go missing, always return after 3 months. Have you ever noticed? Just when you thought that was it and that you’d never hear back from them, they pop out of nowhere and if you know each other well, the text could read something like ‘Hey stranger’ or, the infamous flirt line ‘Hey big head’.

A few months ago I had some women anonymously share their stories of being ghosted on by a guy. Read them now and see if you can relate to these stories, by searching ‘Oloni #GhostStories’ on Twitter.

Have you ever experienced being ghosted on or are you the ghostee? Tweet me over at @Oloni or @SimplyOloni

Watch the Facebook live stream with Mashable here where spoke about ghosting.