All My Single Ladies: Burn Your List

The infamous list!

We all have them. It may not be written down, It could just be a mental note. But either way it’s there.
And every so often we pull it out the bag when we come across a guy that expresses some kind of interest in us or one that peaks our interest. That damn list of requirements in our future spouse.
I had to write a piece on this because it is without a doubt one of the most talked about subjects in a room full of women.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that everyone should know what they want in the opposite sex, and certainly not settle for anything less. But the type of things I have heard on the lists of some women usually triggers a response like ‘are you being for real?’ Or ‘you cannot be serious’- The sad thing is, more often then not, they are being for real.

A lot of the requirements on the list are usually triggered by a past relationship that didn’t end so well. For example, I know a woman who said she would never date another Nigerian after her ex, even though the reason for their break up was because he cheated. Please tell me what origin has to do with infidelity? As if to say only Nigerians cheat.

Another funny one I heard was, “I can’t do another black man because they don’t ever want to settle down” of course you’re right because you’ve dated every black man in the world, and also because there are no black men in this world who are in committed relationships or married with children… Course not!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with preference but I just don’t feel it’s right to write off all men because a certain type of man hurt you. It’s funny because we hate it when men stereotype us and say things like ‘all black women are headache, or all white women can’t cook’ and yet we do the exact same.
Any man that you let in your life, will let you down at some point, not because of race, age or culture, but because they are human.

Anyway.. back to the topic!

I do not despise the list. I am just saying let it be filled with requirements that are more geared towards his character, personality and morals, things that will actually contribute towards a long lasting relationship. Rather than his dress sense, skin complexion and the number of zeros in his bank account.

Here is my suggestion – have a list of what I call the non-compromises. Such as religion, whether or not he wants children, is he a family man, can he hold down a job, do you share the same interests? And whatever else you feel you absolutely cannot compromise on.

Simply Oloni’s Mingling Soirée

Then make a list of your preferences – re-evaluate and make a note of the things that you desire but are willing to compromise on such as what country he is from – (I get that it can make an impact on your life but will you really totally dismiss a man that had everything you want except for the fact that he is from a different country?) height, whether or not he has a beard, whether or not he is a business owner, etc.

I’m not saying ‘lower your standards’ matter of fact I’m saying up your standards! Don’t be a woman who searches for perfection, or one who is easily swayed by superficial things. They are both the quickest way to keep you single and land you in a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, lying in a pool of your own tears.

But I mean, when you find Mr perfect… Let me know!

That warm fuzzy feeling in the beginning is great, but initial chemistry shouldn’t always be the deciding factor. Over time, you might find that the guy who looked nothing like Idris Elba has all the qualities you need in a man.

Simply Oloni spoke to two women who have married men who were totally not the men they thought they would end up with but yet found happiness.

Here were some of their comments:

“Yup! At first my husband was just my very good friend. However, over time although I was not physically attracted to my hubby at first I got to know him as a person therefore I loved him in every way. I know for that reason my relationship isn’t based just on sex but on us as individuals. We’ve been together for 7 years known him for 8, lived together for two and married for 8 months!! We have overall a great relationship!!”

“When I first met my husband, we were just really good friends. I didn’t see him any other way. But the more I got to know him and the type of person that he was, and the way he treated me and looked at me- the more attractive he became to me. Now, I can’t believe that I wasn’t initially attracted to him. It’s not just the way he looks, it’s the way he looks at me! ”

I urge you to loosen up a little. A friend of mine once said to me ‘Claire.. sometimes you find what you’re looking for when you stop looking’