RELATIONSHIP DILEMMASSEXSEX & RELATIONSHIPS

Has Holding Out Become A Cliche?

So I discovered something new about myself last summer.

Apparently, I’m silly for wanting to hold out and not partake in casual sex with someone I am casually seeing. (Spoken by somebody I was casually seeing of course). I know this just sounds like the usual asshole things guys say when they are trying to get you in bed, but this guy was being very serious.

So this summer, I went on more dates than I probably ever have in the 20 something years of me being on this earth. (Don’t bother guess my age, black don’t crack). So this man in question – let’s call him Morris –  was very serious about his statement, so much so that it turned into a full blown debate, in which I let him speak/win just so I could maybe use his words in an article.. and so here it goes.

After seeing him a few times, he asked me to stay over.. I looked at him with that look of “Uh uh boo! Wrong one!”

He laughed as if I gave him the reaction he was expecting. He then went on to explain that it would be nothing more than just a night cap, and apparently he’d make me breakfast in the morning. Resisting temptation, I respectfully declined the offer, and that’s when we got into it:

“Why are you holding back?”

“I’m not stupid, I’m not going to sleep with you!”

“Are you attracted to me?”

“Yeah”

“So what’s the problem? This is 2014, sex is not that deep anymore“

Morris went on to explain that holding out on sex wouldn’t make him want to take me seriously anymore because it’s 2014 and sex is something to be enjoyed by both parties, regardless of the relationship status. He also added that it didn’t really matter if I chose to hold out because it’s not like men will be deprived elsewhere as times have changed and women are more liberal with their sexuality. Nobody cares about status and rings anymore, it’s a ‘cliché’ so I should just have fun. Apparently I should have just gone with the flow and not taken life and sex so seriously… (not the first time I’ve heard that one by the way).

The funniest thing about the whole conversation was that he spoke to me as if I was from another planet. Even laughed at times and felt the need to remind me of my age. “We are adults Claire, we aren’t children”.

It’s safe to say the dates stopped right there…

So tell me, am I being cliché for choosing to not share what I feel are the most intimate parts of me with someone that can’t even spell my last name?

I get that times have changed and women are feeling free to act as they said only men should, and explore their sexuality in ways that were deemed inappropriate for women to do so back in the day. I think it’s great that women are given more of a choice with their lives rather than being stigmatised for doing what is already being done in their heart. However, what does that say for women who are choosing to remain ‘old fashioned’? Has the stigma now switched? Are they going into hiding because they are afraid of being burned at the stake? Should the women out there who are holding out for the right one, whether it be marriage or a serious relationship before they choose to be intimate, just get with the times and realise holding out is just a cliché?

Everybody has their own level of value that they choose to place on sex. I don’t see why I should feel ashamed for placing a higher value on it than some others. I have friends who share their stories of one night stands and what it’s like having a casual sex buddy. Their sentences are usually filled with words such as ‘confident’ ‘liberating’ ‘sexy’ and ‘free’. I’m truly glad for them and I sit there and think, ‘damn.. why wouldn’t my conscience allow for that type of fun!?’ In all honesty, sex without commitment doesn’t make me feel free.. or sexy.

So I’ve come to realise that I am who I am, be it frigid, silly, or young. I’ll forever do what it is I am comfortable with. As should everybody else regardless of what other people think.

Morris let on that I am a part of the minority at the moment, and that women who feel sexually liberated to do whatever they want with their bodies whenever their desires got the best of them, are more attractive than women who choose not to.

In our day and age, does holding out make a woman less attractive?

Are we a dying breed of women?

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Claire Mariam

Claire Mariam

I'm Claire Mariam, the Sex & Relationships Editor for Simplyoloni.com.
I also twerk and eat jollof - not usually at the same time though. Helpless romantic with a huge heart and forehead.

2 Comments

  1. jhutchnx
    December 14, 2014 at 10:45 pm — Reply

    Good for you for not giving into “Morris’ Tempting offer” (sacarsm), no you are not old fashion, just a woman with standards. Some people dont understand the power and value that sex has, the more you engage in it with different partners, the less fun it is AND. U become disconnected…well more from a womans point of view than a man.. im a woman, so I do not know how it translates. Altogether, it is not everyone you let into your home and private space. Besides what “Morris” says, the negative taglines are still adsociated with “free” females despite it being 2014 or an adult. Sex is not only “fun” but has its risks, pregnancy included…
    “Morris go-long”..Claire, keep walking on a path of higher standards because despite it being 2014, YOU ARE THE NEW NORMAL

  2. Isioma
    April 7, 2015 at 4:28 pm — Reply

    I loved this piece. What ‘Morris’ did sounds to me like attempted emotional manipulation, to be fair. Glad you didn’t succumb.

    What bothers me about some people is that they believe in there being only one way to be liberated. The same way a person can feel liberated in saying yes, a person can be liberated in saying no. I loved this line: ‘Everybody has their own level of value that they choose to place on sex’ It is a right that everyone should have and it should be respected, especially by the people a person chooses to date.

    I could go on and on, but I just thought I’d let you know that your piece was appreciated 🙂

    Have a great week!

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