Ella December on Emotional Abuse – The Scars You Don’t See
He lied to me, he cheated and he always treated me badly. Somehow he always made me feel like it was my fault. He had this ability to turn my anger at his wrongdoings into my disappointment within myself.
I remember the first out of many times he cheated on me. He told me that I was being crazy and I should not be stalking his social media so much. I noticed a few Instagram likes from a particular girl then it became flirty banter on Twitter. I was suspicious but he assured me I was making it all up and she was just a friend.
He had convinced me that ‘Twitter Girl’ was just a girl from an alternate social media universe that he had never met, let alone slept with. The charade all came crashing down when I saw a text from her on his phone saying, “You’re the best I ever had”. He tried to lie for a bit but realised I would not fall for it. He said it was only a few times but when I contacted her she assured me it was full-blown affair.
She was the first of many girls, that he told me that they were just “beats” and I was the one he really loved. He had made me turn my initial anger at his cheating into hating the girls for sleeping with him. When in reality, he was the one in a relationship and not them. It was always my fault that he played away, I nagged him too much, I did not have sex with him enough. I spent too much time on my university work instead of pandering to his every need.
That was a common factor; every time I attempted to better myself he did not like it. Whenever we would break up and make up, he would always come back in my life when I was just about to move on and was seemingly happy. He would come crashing back into my world saying that he could not live without me and we should start anew.
Nothing ever changed though, we would be okay for awhile but I would be made to feel bad about myself again. He was finding it hard to get a job and resented me for excelling academically. It was somehow my fault that he was not doing well and if I had been a better girlfriend he would be “up by now”.
What made me stay when humiliated me? When he slept with not only girls I did not know but even friends of mine? I had seen his sweetest side and the most vulnerable version of him. I had been there when he cried to me about his relationship with his dad and his insecurities about his future. Wanting to make him a better man is what made me stay. What also made me hang on was when he told me that he needed me and could not lose me.
I kept on letting him back in because I believed I truly could not do better. He had all these girls he could sleep with and made me feel like I was the lucky one to be official. I constantly questioned my attractiveness and compared myself to other girls. I felt like I was always fighting over him with another new “side chick”. He was aware of my insecurities like how I hated my stretch marks and would make cruel jibes about this. When I became upset about his remarks, he told me that I was too emotional. It was okay for me to be the running gag of our relationship, but the minute I poked fun about his lack of stamina in the bedroom I was the enemy.
He had convinced me he was the best I was going to ever get, so that’s why it took me so long to leave. He also controlled me. I was not allowed to have male friends whilst he brazenly flirted with girls online and acted openly single. I had to ask permission for if I could go out to the club even though he regularly went to holiday islands.
I might have been his girlfriend but I felt more like his property. I was not allowed to be my own person and every decision selfishly catered to his whim. He had broken me down mentally so much that I forgot that I was a happy person before and would continue to be one after him.
It was fear of loneliness that kept me trapped under his wicked spell. Then I realised that being alone did not mean being lonely, and being with someone did not equal happiness.
I learnt though that when people really loved you they did not hurt you intentionally. They also did not love you only when it was convenient for them. They loved you properly even when they had their own issues going on just because they wanted to see you smile. It was time for me to reclaim the love that I deserved.
I learnt the worst scars someone can have are the ones you cannot see. Because I did not have bruises and a busted lip, I did not know that my emotions were being toyed with and I was being emotionally abused.
By Ella December
