10 Things You Should Stop Saying To Asexuals

What is asexuality and exactly what should we stop saying?

An asexual person also known as ‘ace’ for short is someone that does not experience sexual attraction. It’s a sexual orientation. It’s that simple. Being asexual does not mean you can’t find other people attractive or want to have a romantic relationship. It means you have no desire to have a sexual relationship with that person.

I genuinely wanted to know more about asexuality, so I spoke to different men and women from all over the world of different ages via social media, and asked them to give me an insight into their experience, when it came to opening up to others about being ace. Some had a similar journey in terms of friends and family not understanding asexuality, I say this because of the questions that were often asked and the statements made by them. Although it was interesting, I decided to create a list of 10 things you shouldn’t say to aces’.

1) ‘You just haven’t found the right person to have sex with.’
‘It’s quite frustrating when I have to listen to other people guess why I’m not sexually active. I just don’t have the patience anymore’ – Sarah, 21

2) ‘How will you find a partner?’
From speaking to those who identify as asexual, something they all mentioned to me was having this comment being said to them on several occasions. Yes, sex is amazing, but there’s more to a relationship.

3) ‘Do you masturbate?’
Some do, and others don’t. I once read that there’s nothing un-asexual about masturbating. They’re just not thinking about a second party when doing it. Remember not everyone masturbates for the exact same reason.. Others do it to fall asleep, while some may do it as a stress reliever. To put directly, masturbating doesn’t make you more or less ace.

4) ‘Are you sure it’s not just a phase?’
This annoys many aces as the question suggests that who they are, and what they prefer can be something that will eventually go away.

5) ‘How do you know if you’ve never tried it?’
‘I’m heterosexual and I know I like men. I can also appreciate how handsome someone is without wanting to have a sexual relationship with them. Personally I get annoyed when people think that just because I have different feelings it’s not valid.’ – Jackie, 28

6) ‘I think you’re just confused about what you like.’
Again, statements similar to this prove the lack of understanding behind asexuality. It implies that every human is a sexual being with sexual urges, which is false. You can’t be confused about something you’re positive about. Just think about it, we already live in a sex obsessed world where sex is glamourised and seen by the swipe of a finger, where would the confusion come from?

7) ‘I think you’re just trying to be different.’
Don’t be annoying.

8) ‘Are you sure you’re not abstaining or celibate?’
‘When I first told my friends this was a comment they repeated on many times. At one point I just agreed that I was celibate, because they couldn’t understand.’ – Celibacy and asexuality are two different things. One is a commitment and sacrifice, while the other (asexuality) is to do with no desire to engage in sexual activity with someone else.

9) ‘You’re so lucky you don’t have sex problems!’
Statement like this suggest those who identify as aseuxal face no other life problems. Yes, sex does come with its hoo ha’s, but they’re lives can also be just as complex in different ways.

10) ‘At least you don’t have to worry about being called a slut.’
Perhaps, but let’s be real.. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. No matter what your sexuality is, you’ll always be labelled as something.

Note: Please keep in mind that asexual people don’t necessarily agree on all of these matters. This list was created through a conversation I had with those who identify as asexual from all over the world.

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Dami Olonisakin

Dami Olonisakin

Editor-In-Chief and Founder of Simply Oloni.

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